Am I sad?

I like to think of myself as a happy person with a light spirit. I am a positive thinker and a motivated problem solver. Things don't usually come easily but I don't let that stop me from trying. So why would I be sad sometimes? It seems that I have so much to be thankful for (and really I do) but even those things can pale when you don't feel like your heart is in it. I love my husband and all of my family. My pets make me very happy and my house is something very special and warm. Yet there are times when that isn't enough. It's not the material that will bring happiness anyway. I am in school studying the subjects that I have always been interested in and doing well, I might add. So what the hell is my problem?

I feel so empty at times. Our lives were turned upside down in the matter of a split second. Everything that was normal to us now had to be revised, changed, thrown out, fixed, or started over. Nothing was unaffected by this event. We feel like the Kenny Rogers song about two sparrows in a hurricane. and like them we will survive but it is a daily struggle and hardly something to look forward to each day. So often both of us have lamented about the constant battle just to get to normal and the irritations of our everyday lives. They pile up and you explode and then start over.

We have learned not to let those things gather and then blow. You have to deal with issues at the time or you will drive yourself crazy. The first two years I walked around angry all the time. And in fear. You never knew from one minute to the next what was going to go wrong now. Will he live? Will you survive? How will you make it? Can you count on the so called professionals in your life? Where are your (close?) friends? Who do you go to for advice? How do you know you spoke to the right person? Does it feel right? I learned a long time ago that I can count on my gut and if it isn't right, I'm not doing it.

The biggest thing we want now is peace. Plain and simple. I can deal with the day to day living. I pay my bills and I go shopping and out to lunch when I can. I love going to school because it challenges me in so many ways. But when I come home, I want to leave the outside world, outside. I read a sweet story once that spoke about a father coming home from work every day. His children would watch for him to arrive and every day, before he would come in, he would rub his hands on a tree that was growing in the front yard. Whatever the weather, he would do this and then enter the house. After some time of watching this his children couldn't stand the curiousity any longer and asked him why he would do that. He said that the tree was his "trouble tree". When he would come home, he didn't want to bring in the problems from the job or other outside influences into his sanctuary so he would leave them on his tree. That way, he could come into the home in a good frame of mind, happy to see everyone and have a nice peaceful time with his family. I usually will just wipe my feet on the mat outside the door but with the same intentions. I leave my troubles outside because they really don't belong in the house with us. We have enough to deal with without bringing in extra. It really works to help you to focus and put things in perspective. I'm not saying that I'm happy all the time but I definitely will always be positive and forward looking. I hope what I have said here helps someone to focus and find their "trouble tree".

Peace!