Wake up call!

I have come to a shocking realization recently that has rocked my world. Once I got over the initial shock of the accident, I cried and cried and cried, believing that I would eventually get over all the tears and move on. Never a doubt in my mind that I would take care of my husband and that somehow things would be alright.  I discovered that I have been harbouring feelings that if I just tried hard enough, if I just worked long enough, if I just did enough research and applied it enough. If I just kept on going no matter what, somehow I would fix all of this and he would be well again. We could put all this behind us.  I finally get it that it isn’t for me to do. That no matter what I think about it or discover about it or even try to do about it, I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.  

I feel somehow sad and relieved at the same time because it absolves me of any responsibility to make it better. I have to cope and I am responsible for myself. I need to take care of my health first above everything else. We have a tendency to forget and place our family in front of us. That’s not a great idea but it is particularly dangerous when we have someone who is totally dependant on us. If I’m not well, then what? The number one issue in our circumstance is the lack of sleep. Something that everyone takes for granted but if you have lost as many hours as we have, it becomes more valuable than anything. With sleep is peaceful coexistence, without it is war. With it is love and understanding and calm resolution to conflict. Without it is anger, raw and uncensored and deep resentment. It got so bad for a while that it was a win to count how many days could go by with no tears. We didn’t get past 3 very often. Things are better and continue to improve each day. We are both realists and are trying our best to get the rest we need which ultimately will help us cope with the other things that come along.

One thing I would like to address though is the plight of the caregiver. No one sets out believing that they are doing a noble act or that they will be rewarded in Heaven or anywhere else for that matter. It is just that there is a need and it has to be taken care of. When this all started for me, I thought it was just going to be a temporary situation and that we would muddle through until it got better. Unfortunately, that is not the case however I would not leave nor would I not take care of my loved one. It just is the way it is and somehow we have to get through. I have come back to myself though. I forgot me for a long time. In fact I have been the worst offender of forgetting and outright ignoring my needs for almost 5 years now. Suddenly those needs have become ever so important and I am doing whatever is in my ability to take care of them. Through all the stress and extra work at home, I ended up losing my job. It was a good job that paid quite decently but I just couldn’t handle the pressure there and the stress at home. At first I was terribly upset and disappointed about it but looking back I think the universe has done me a favour. I have time now to pursue a career in a field that interests and challenges me. I am very excited that I am back in school and I tell everyone so. It will be a way for me to get back into the work force and reassert my feelings of contributing to society but more than that it will reinforce my self esteem and independence. So much of this has taken away from my sense of self and I really need to find me again. It’s been a diligent endeavor but I’m on the way to success. Where is my husband in all of this? Well, he still needs to have care and I am the main caregiver. That will likely be the way it is until I absolutely cannot do it anymore. At that time he will go into full time care. Not a terribly happy solution but at least we know that he will be taken care of. Until then we are a team committed to each other to getting the best we can out of our lives together. Things have changed in our perception of what important really means but one thing is for certain. We love each other and that won’t change! I truly believe that this all has a meaning somewhere and someday we will understand. In the meantime the test is how we handle it and how we are with each other and the people around us. I have always treated life with love and respect. I hope this will help someone to know that they are not alone in their misery and that there is a silver lining. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out “why”. Don’t bother, just get on with it. Open your heart and your mind to the wondrous possibilities around you and receive.

Peace.