Rest In Peace Dear One

My head is spinning almost out of control. I go to stand up and the floor wants to meet me. I'm sweating profusely and I'm in desperate shock. My sweet loved one, my life companion has just died in my arms. I keep fighting the urge to shake him and bring him back. I want to tell him he should change his mind and stay here. We would get through whatever else was coming our way. I watch the monitor as his heart rate goes crazy and then slow and then crazy and then slower. His respirations are almost zero but the machine is pumping oxygen like no tomorrow. I slowly lower his head and turn off the useless oxygen. It's only noise and I want us both to experience a tiny little bit of peace for our last few minutes together. I kiss him and tell him I love him and that I don't want to live without him. Then I burst into unconsolable tears. I shake with the strength of my outpouring. I can't possibly scream loud enough for anyone to really appreciate the pain I am feeling. Oh, my God, I see a flicker in his eyelid. Should I get the doctor? Is this a mistake? No it's just the body slowly stopping it's functions. I stay as long as I can. I keep talking to him and telling him it's okay and that God is there to take him in his loving embrace. He will soar and love the freedom from his bonds. It's not goodbye dear one, only until we meet again.

I can't help but get the guilts over something I may have said or the feeling that I didn't do enough or somehow forgot to do something. We knew our time was going to be short together and that it would be challenging since the accident but I wasn't ready for this. This may sound off but frankly I am glad for him. He had so many things wrong and challenges that were so huge and then recently had been diagnosed with a disease that was going to debilitate him even more. I felt like it was the straw that broke the camels back and he wanted done. He was so tired and the Father gave him an opportunity to go home so he went. I know he will stay close for a while, I have already seen him walking through the house and I rejoice in that.  I however am absolutely devastated and morose. I will have moments where I am almost okay and then it hits me again. I know I will get through this and as my daughter puts it, it never really gets better, just different. I will celelbrate different when it happens.

In the meantime please be kind to each other. You never know when you won't get the chance to apologize or to tell them one more time you love them.

Wayne, I love you now and forever and I'm so glad I told you everyday. I always loved that you told me everyday as well. I will see you again. Be happy and free Darling!!

Namaste!