Where are you now?

I watch you drift away from the conversation, immersed in your thoughts and I wonder where you are now? I know you haven't heard me and when you ask me to repeat myself I will be polite and say again whatever it was. I will smile when you respond in a distant manner and watch you go again to that pool of memories that seem so inviting. It can be like carrying on two or more conversations with you but so far no one else see's what I see. Someone struggling to stay current yet wishing to be in the past where the impression is that there was less pain. When you are jarred back to reality you have a pained look on your face from disappointment in being disturbed from your reverie. You don't think I notice the wistful look in your eye when talking about things that are either mundane or necessary. That wish to be elsewhere in a time of no more. It breaks my heart to see you longingly reach into your past to try and satisfy that lustful desire for freedom. The illusion that things were so much better simply because you could move then. The profoundly sad face that says good morning to me but is disappointed that once again has to face yet another day in what seems an interminable torture.

I wish there was some way that I could make things better and take away the pain and misery but I know it actually has nothing to do with me. I can't save the world but I can comfort and love and try to be the best friend possible in impossible circumstances. I can look the other way when you cry out in your frustration and your anger. I try to pretend that it doesn't impact me but you must know on some level that it does. The only thing I can truly convey to you is that you are loved well and have family who love you and support you. You have grandchildren that love you and think you are funky cuz of the cool wheels. Big wheels and little wheels! You have a future growing before your very eyes and frankly none of it has anything to do with whether you can walk or not. What a gift it would be if you could let your eyes turn outward to what's ahead and what you are able to do instead of what's behind and what you used to be able to do.

I only know one thing for sure and that is that I love you. Whether you stand, sit, swing a hammer or use a voice program to write on your computer. It is you deep inside that counts and I swear there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have been and will continue to face this together and while I can't possibly know what it feels like to be you, I do try to understand. If you believe only one thing, let it be that there is definitely a pony in there somewhere!!!

Peace.