A positive update

I have been formulating a new posting for quite some time now and wish I could have done so sooner. It seems that I have a bunch of wonderful and interesting things to say and get a traffic jam when there are so many. Of course my emotional state at the moment doesn't help the situation either. One minute I am devastated and lonely, the next I'm my old positive self. It's hard keeping up with the Jekyll and Hyde transformations. Kind of like the Bugs Bunny cartoon at Halowe'en when he changes from the vampire to the magician all the while singing la la la la abbra ca pocus, la la la la hocus cadabra! Somewhere in there is a little refridgerator light that goes on and illuminates everything temporarily but as soon as the door is shut, can I remember where everything is? It's enough to drive you nuts and yet I am told this is perfectly normal and in fact I am doing very well.

To say I miss my partner would be a gross understatement but the house isn't as empty any more as I thought it would be at this time. Christmas is coming and it is my very favourite time of year. This was a difficult time for Wayne and it could be a challenge for him to get in the spirit but my ebulience would eventually win him over. I think he couldn't help himself because I was not going to be deterred. Yes I am a big kid right now and I love the concept of Santa and getting rewarded for good behaviour. The fact that my birthday is Christmas Day also played a big part in the mood. And I absolutely LOVE giving gifts and especially surprising someone who doesn't expect anything. Sigh! How gratifying it is to see the big smile. Love it!!

Another reason I can get on as well as I do is because I have three very precious and special pets to help me along. They love me to bits as I do them. All I have to do is sniffle a bit and Smokey ( my grey kitty) comes over to investigate and comfort me. She will purr and snuggle and then let me be when she is satisfied that I am alright. Bean my German Shepherd/Rottie mix female will just lean on me and love me happy again. She will pick up her toy or chase her tail while looking over to see if I am watching. When I smile a bit she will relax and come over and lay at my feet. But the ultimate in unconditional love is my little Tuxedo kitty named Sammy. Black and white and beautful with a personality all her own, she loves me to death. I belong to her and she will let everyone know it. she won't let anyone else pet her or even come near. She is absolutely devoted to me. When I am sad, she will do everything in her power to cheer me up including cuddling me to sleep. I must say she is better than any sleeping pill. She gets really warm, comes on my chest or hangs over my shoulder, purrs very loudly and lulls me into calm. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Since the accident, I have reflected a great deal on the events and the results. I felt angry for a long time and wasn't too complimentary toward the other participant but after a while, I realized that none of that was helping me or Wayne. If you remain angry with someone, you bind them to you. Better for you to move on because having feelings for that other person or even the event only keeps you there and does nothing to change or improve the situation. I always look for the positive in all things. It's how I survive and flourish. It 's how people around me benefit as well because it rubs off on them to be the same.

From the time of the accident to the time of his death was 5 1/2 years and in all of that was so much information and experience. It was like living a lifetimes worth on knowledge on high speed. You didn't want to miss anything because the results could be horrendous. I learned about the medical system and its shortcomings. I learned how to deal with medical professionals that made them respect and listen to me. I learned to appreciate all the different people that were involved in his care. I learned how to keep information organized and at the ready when our lawyers needed it all. I learned a great deal of respect for our  lawyers and what they accomplished. Ultimately what I learned about though was myself. I already knew I was a strong woman and hardship and challenge were no strangers to me but nothing could have prepared me for this. I was pretty low for quite a while because it was fast and furious in the beginning and you would barely get used to one thing when we would get hit with another. I found courage in places that surprised me. I never lost my faith and one time Wayne told me that it had helped him to keep going knowing that I still loved God. He still did too but at that moment was busy being mad at Him. He felt abandoned by the Father and questioned how He could allow this to happen to him.

I am proud that I was able to be who I am. I am so grateful that I could take care of Wayne and help him when he needed it most. We were always the very best of friends and that helped us both get through this. Even at the worst moments I could get a chuckle out of him. The best was when he would smile at me. In this last year, he didn't smile a lot and laughed even less. It was after I had done some research on Parkinsons that I found out that those were symptoms of the disease. That and his voice was getting softer so it was more difficult to hear him. We laughed because I have tinnitus in my left ear so between the two of us, we weren't communicating as well as we would like.

Whatever you do in life and especially when it seems it is the worst, please try to remember that somewhere in all the mess is a spark. A tiny little light of positivity that can help get you by. A little seed of something good coming out of something quite bad. There is always hope even when it is so dark you can't see. We are supposed to believe with the faith of a little child. They don't analyze things. It just is. That's not easy for us adults but maybe we can learn from them.

Namaste!