What do I do now?

There is nothing so wonderful as the love of family and friends.!!!

This has been an incredibly difficult year and the culmination of a terrifyingly wonderful journey. I have allowed myself time to be selfish and hide out from the world. I will not promise to do anything that doesn't fit in to my needs at the time. I have let people know that I can't be counted on at the moment because I may say yes now but 5 minutes from now, that could change. I have not understood all the emotional extremes but I rode the roller coaster and believe me, I can scream! I'm saying all that because most of that I can put behind me now. Thank God!!! I was beginning to think I was a crying machine and my future was going to be very wet. I'm only half way through the "first" year and Christmas is coming up very soon now. I was very smart and did all my shopping early because I had no idea how I was going to be feeling when the time came and i didn't want to be miserable while trying to get what I wanted. Now I can go out into the crowds and enjoy the rush because I don't have any of the pressure and all of the pleasure.

So with all of that out of the way and doing something very different for Christmas this year,( we are having it at my daughter'splace and I will be there in the morning to start the day with everybody. I love the idea and am very grateful to her for her thoughtfulness.), I find myself reflecting on many things from the past. Probably because I have lots of time on my hands. So many people make promises for the New Year and usually in the first month have broken them all. I absolutely refuse to do that because it makes a negative energy and that is hard to clear. Better to just be happy that you are seeing the new year and do your best. Period.

I have decided instead to end the year by clearing out all the junk that is bothering me. I have deep seated resentments that have become close friends because I don't seem to want to let go of them. I have anger that just has festered so long and it's so familiar. I am frustrated from some injustices that happened years ago but they come to all the family dinners with me. I don't let them out but they are the silent observers and fuel my thoughts for later. The other day I was told that someone I used to know is in the process of letting go of this life and because I have a gigantic anger with her, I couldn't get a rise to be upset. In fact if truth were known, I felt nothing. But after reliving the events yet again in my head and getting quite a headache from it, I decided it was time to really let it go. I talked it out loud and told her that I do not forgive her for what she did. That is between her and her maker. But I do forgive her. I understood she was heavily influenced by others and that was difficult for all of us. After I had my "conversation" with her, I finished by saying "I release you, I release you,I release you.

I must say I was amazed at how liberated I felt and a thousand pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. I figured I was on a roll so there were others I needed to do the same thing for and did. Always ending with I release you.

I will continue until I get all of it out of my system. The only pressure being that I get it all done before New Year's Eve. Believe me, I will. I haven't felt this good in years and I can't believe how I carried all that so willingly. There are so many blessings to be had and all we have to do is reach out for them. I am reaching now, unhindered and joyful for my release. I hope you can do the same.

Namaste!