Soundoff

Hello New Year and Hello Winter!

2012-01-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am house bound for 3 days now and it looks like at least another 3. I can't believe how much house work I'm getting done. That's a good thing, right? I must say that I also am having lots of time to reflect and I suppose that is also a good thing. A conclusion I have come to is that I am alright and in the process of moving on. I'm stronger every day and I love God's creation so I take lots of great pictures to help me through the tough times. There is so much beauty all around us and we blithely go along and ignore what's here.

Something else that seems to be taking place is that I finally seem to be finding my special place in this universe of ours. You know when the pea falls into place on the roulette wheel and your number is the one that comes up. well, here I am in sync and loving it. Most of my life has been spent wondering what it was that I missed and why wasn't I doing what I was supposed to be doing. But the truth is that I have been exactly where I was supposed to be all those times and learned what I needed to go on from here. Exactly as it was to be!!! And now I am embracing the challenge and the timing with joy and anticipation in my very soul. I get up excited to greet the new day and like a kid, I smile, because I am sure it will be filled with miracles.

I call these guys Hekyll and Jekyll. I know they aren't crows but they sure are fun to watch.

Namaste!

What do I do now?

2011-12-19T00:26:00.000-08:00

There is nothing so wonderful as the love of family and friends.!!!

This has been an incredibly difficult year and the culmination of a terrifyingly wonderful journey. I have allowed myself time to be selfish and hide out from the world. I will not promise to do anything that doesn't fit in to my needs at the time. I have let people know that I can't be counted on at the moment because I may say yes now but 5 minutes from now, that could change. I have not understood all the emotional extremes but I rode the roller coaster and believe me, I can scream! I'm saying all that because most of that I can put behind me now. Thank God!!! I was beginning to think I was a crying machine and my future was going to be very wet. I'm only half way through the "first" year and Christmas is coming up very soon now. I was very smart and did all my shopping early because I had no idea how I was going to be feeling when the time came and i didn't want to be miserable while trying to get what I wanted. Now I can go out into the crowds and enjoy the rush because I don't have any of the pressure and all of the pleasure.

So with all of that out of the way and doing something very different for Christmas this year,( we are having it at my daughter'splace and I will be there in the morning to start the day with everybody. I love the idea and am very grateful to her for her thoughtfulness.), I find myself reflecting on many things from the past. Probably because I have lots of time on my hands. So many people make promises for the New Year and usually in the first month have broken them all. I absolutely refuse to do that because it makes a negative energy and that is hard to clear. Better to just be happy that you are seeing the new year and do your best. Period.

I have decided instead to end the year by clearing out all the junk that is bothering me. I have deep seated resentments that have become close friends because I don't seem to want to let go of them. I have anger that just has festered so long and it's so familiar. I am frustrated from some injustices that happened years ago but they come to all the family dinners with me. I don't let them out but they are the silent observers and fuel my thoughts for later. The other day I was told that someone I used to know is in the process of letting go of this life and because I have a gigantic anger with her, I couldn't get a rise to be upset. In fact if truth were known, I felt nothing. But after reliving the events yet again in my head and getting quite a headache from it, I decided it was time to really let it go. I talked it out loud and told her that I do not forgive her for what she did. That is between her and her maker. But I do forgive her. I understood she was heavily influenced by others and that was difficult for all of us. After I had my "conversation" with her, I finished by saying "I release you, I release you,I release you.

I must say I was amazed at how liberated I felt and a thousand pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. I figured I was on a roll so there were others I needed to do the same thing for and did. Always ending with I release you.

I will continue until I get all of it out of my system. The only pressure being that I get it all done before New Year's Eve. Believe me, I will. I haven't felt this good in years and I can't believe how I carried all that so willingly. There are so many blessings to be had and all we have to do is reach out for them. I am reaching now, unhindered and joyful for my release. I hope you can do the same.

Namaste!

A positive update

2011-12-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

I have been formulating a new posting for quite some time now and wish I could have done so sooner. It seems that I have a bunch of wonderful and interesting things to say and get a traffic jam when there are so many. Of course my emotional state at the moment doesn't help the situation either. One minute I am devastated and lonely, the next I'm my old positive self. It's hard keeping up with the Jekyll and Hyde transformations. Kind of like the Bugs Bunny cartoon at Halowe'en when he changes from the vampire to the magician all the while singing la la la la abbra ca pocus, la la la la hocus cadabra! Somewhere in there is a little refridgerator light that goes on and illuminates everything temporarily but as soon as the door is shut, can I remember where everything is? It's enough to drive you nuts and yet I am told this is perfectly normal and in fact I am doing very well.

To say I miss my partner would be a gross understatement but the house isn't as empty any more as I thought it would be at this time. Christmas is coming and it is my very favourite time of year. This was a difficult time for Wayne and it could be a challenge for him to get in the spirit but my ebulience would eventually win him over. I think he couldn't help himself because I was not going to be deterred. Yes I am a big kid right now and I love the concept of Santa and getting rewarded for good behaviour. The fact that my birthday is Christmas Day also played a big part in the mood. And I absolutely LOVE giving gifts and especially surprising someone who doesn't expect anything. Sigh! How gratifying it is to see the big smile. Love it!!

Another reason I can get on as well as I do is because I have three very precious and special pets to help me along. They love me to bits as I do them. All I have to do is sniffle a bit and Smokey ( my grey kitty) comes over to investigate and comfort me. She will purr and snuggle and then let me be when she is satisfied that I am alright. Bean my German Shepherd/Rottie mix female will just lean on me and love me happy again. She will pick up her toy or chase her tail while looking over to see if I am watching. When I smile a bit she will relax and come over and lay at my feet. But the ultimate in unconditional love is my little Tuxedo kitty named Sammy. Black and white and beautful with a personality all her own, she loves me to death. I belong to her and she will let everyone know it. she won't let anyone else pet her or even come near. She is absolutely devoted to me. When I am sad, she will do everything in her power to cheer me up including cuddling me to sleep. I must say she is better than any sleeping pill. She gets really warm, comes on my chest or hangs over my shoulder, purrs very loudly and lulls me into calm. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Since the accident, I have reflected a great deal on the events and the results. I felt angry for a long time and wasn't too complimentary toward the other participant but after a while, I realized that none of that was helping me or Wayne. If you remain angry with someone, you bind them to you. Better for you to move on because having feelings for that other person or even the event only keeps you there and does nothing to change or improve the situation. I always look for the positive in all things. It's how I survive and flourish. It 's how people around me benefit as well because it rubs off on them to be the same.

From the time of the accident to the time of his death was 5 1/2 years and in all of that was so much information and experience. It was like living a lifetimes worth on knowledge on high speed. You didn't want to miss anything because the results could be horrendous. I learned about the medical system and its shortcomings. I learned how to deal with medical professionals that made them respect and listen to me. I learned to appreciate all the different people that were involved in his care. I learned how to keep information organized and at the ready when our lawyers needed it all. I learned a great deal of respect for our lawyers and what they accomplished. Ultimately what I learned about though was myself. I already knew I was a strong woman and hardship and challenge were no strangers to me but nothing could have prepared me for this. I was pretty low for quite a while because it was fast and furious in the beginning and you would barely get used to one thing when we would get hit with another. I found courage in places that surprised me. I never lost my faith and one time Wayne told me that it had helped him to keep going knowing that I still loved God. He still did too but at that moment was busy being mad at Him. He felt abandoned by the Father and questioned how He could allow this to happen to him.

I am proud that I was able to be who I am. I am so grateful that I could take care of Wayne and help him when he needed it most. We were always the very best of friends and that helped us both get through this. Even at the worst moments I could get a chuckle out of him. The best was when he would smile at me. In this last year, he didn't smile a lot and laughed even less. It was after I had done some research on Parkinsons that I found out that those were symptoms of the disease. That and his voice was getting softer so it was more difficult to hear him. We laughed because I have tinnitus in my left ear so between the two of us, we weren't communicating as well as we would like.

Whatever you do in life and especially when it seems it is the worst, please try to remember that somewhere in all the mess is a spark. A tiny little light of positivity that can help get you by. A little seed of something good coming out of something quite bad. There is always hope even when it is so dark you can't see. We are supposed to believe with the faith of a little child. They don't analyze things. It just is. That's not easy for us adults but maybe we can learn from them.

Namaste!

Love plus

2011-10-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

In our family it has been a long standing tradition to start out the season of Fall with a great dinner consisting of pork chops in gravy, cooked until it falls apart, mashed potatoes, and carrots. Followed closely with yummy pumpkin pie. Well, I wanted to make this dinner but now that I am on my own, the prospect of cooking that amount of food (you can't cook small) was putting me off. It was making me sad both in the respect that my sweetie is not here and that I wouldn't be able to start off the season right. Funny how you just get so used to doing things a certain way and even if you are flexible, it can leave a hole in your emotional heart.

I was mulling over the problem when I had a brainstorm. Why not invite my favourite family over to have dinner with me and therefore have a real reason to celebrate? I called my friend and asked if she and her husband and granddaughter could join me? She said they would be happy to come over and thanked me for the invite.

I spent the afternoon, cooking away and thoroughly enjoying the idea of cooking for a bunch again. I miss Wayne so very much but I felt great doing that today. The time came for dinner, the granddaughter said a beautiful grace for the meal and we dug in. Everything turned out delicious and we all had seconds. Then came the pie. MMMMMMMMM!!!! What can I say? The only way the pie could have been better is if it had been home made but rotary is alright when you have everything else to do.

The bottom line is that although I am missing my husband very much, I am also reminded at times like this that there is precious love all around us. It's easy to miss it or forget it when you are enmired in misery but I'm coming up for air and every lovely gasp tells me that there is sunshine on the horizon and a bright future just around the corner. I celebrate that I am okay and getting better all the time. My health is returning slowly but steadily and I am feeling stronger. Halelujah! Praise the Lord!! Thank you Father for standing by me.

When you feel the most lost and unsettled is when you need to be thinking about the positive things in your life. Don't ignore them, they will see you through. Even the smallest of things like a dragonfly on a basket can be rewarding and enlightening. Love can be seen in so many forms and it is truly all around us. I'm okay, you're okay and together we are brilliant!!

Namaste

How to Deal!

2011-10-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

It is just over two months now and some days seem like it was just yesterday. The tsunami's are still at times just as violent as in the beginning and they still seem to come unbidden. The one blessing is that they are further between now. I miss him so terribly but the reality is that he was truly suffering and trying so hard to stick with it because he loved me and didn't want to leave me. I couldn't ask him to continue such a battle if I truly loved him. So here I am, with mixed emotions. Trying to learn to live without my best friend. Putting on a brave face everyday and trying to not be annoyed when people keep asking me how I'm doing now. I know they mean well and I appreciate that very much but I'm lying when I say I'm doing fine.

In the past, when we were both working, our deal was that whoever got home first would cook supper. It was so nice to come home to a hot meal that I didn't have to prepare. I could just kick off my shoes and relax. Those times were so great!

I have been trying to be creative in how I cope with all of this and I think I have come up with something that fits. The above picture is one we got from Ducks Unlimited. It is a beautiful picture of a cabin in the mountains at night. The moon is reflecting off the snow capped peaks and below them is the cabin all lit up and inviting. If you look closely, you can almost see someone moving inside. Right now I am taking comfort in the thought that Wayne is getting dinner ready for me and waiting for me to come home.

Slowly, I am starting to take an interest in what is going on around me again. I have been looking for work but I don't feel pressured to do anything yet. One thing I find amazing is that I have found my laugh again. It feels so good to be able to really enjoy a joke and to laugh right out loud. There were reasons to before but I was always on guard so couldn't relax the same.

Bottom line is I am getting better. I am healing and feeling blessed by the family and friends I have. I am looking forward to a bright future and I know there is purpose to my life. One thing for certain is that I can definitely give comfort to someone else in their time of need. There is so much love to share and I feel very excited to be a part of that. We all are part of that and how wonderful that is!

Namaste!

Life Goes On!

2011-09-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

I know that life goes on because the birds haven't stopped needing to be fed. The dog still needs to go out and pee and the house still for sure needs to be cleaned. Everything is the same except there is a gigantic hole in my heart. That being said, I am healing and starting to feel better. I can feel the inner core of me just humming away and getting more powerful every day. I still have the sad times and don't expect them to go away any time soon and really that's okay. I will never really be without him. He will always be deep in my psyche and a very precious gift. My gratitude is immeasurable to have had him in my life and all the things he taught me and helped me with.

We were a typical married couple in lots of ways though. Lots of sparks when we didn't agree but we would always make up again. No point carrying a grudge. And the laughs!!! OMG! The giggles were so much fun and proved to be entertaining long after the event. When we first got together, he gave me a multibit screwdriver for home. I loved it and used it often but became frustrated with it because the round top was attached with a little screw. I cursed it so often thinking to myself," who the hell would be so stupid as to make this something you have to unscrew to use!!" I used that way for a long time until one day, he was going to fix something for me and went to use same driver. When he went for another bit, he turned the top, got the bit out, and proceeded to do the job. Before I could stop my lips, I said "Ohhhh, is that how you do that!?!" He dissolved into gales of laughter and before long so did I. Now who was the dumb one? Needless to say, it would come up every once in a while when something proved to be more difficult that it needed to be. I didn't mind though. I'm human and make mistakes. You can't take yourself too seriously if you want to get through this life.

Following is something I wrote to him in a letter. It describes how I am feeling now.

When everyone else has fought, and chaos reigns. When the war is raging and pain is everywhere. When the dust settles and the sun comes out again...You and I will be standing, together. Side by side, a fortress in our love and especially in our friendship. Absolutely unbeatable because we are united! I love you, my friend, my love!

We were united and unbeatable in our opinion. Even death has not defeated us. He is still with me. You can feel his presence throughout our home. It brings me comfort and peace to know that he is no longer suffering or hurting. In fact he feels happy and I'm glad. That was a terrible journey for all of us who were involved. I'm glad that part is over. Onwards and upwards! Here's to life and living it well.

Namaste!!

If I Could

2011-08-30T07:40:00.000-07:00

If I could hold you one more time

knowing we're going to say goodbye

If I could kiss you one more time

I wouldn't have to cry.

I'd tell you what you meant to me

and how you changed my life

And what an honour I truly felt

to be your loving wife.

If I could give you anything

I'd have to think and say

I love you, Dear with all my heart

and we'll meet again someday!

To My Darling Wayne.

Peace!

288 hours and counting.

2011-08-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

The time since Wayne passed has virtually flown by and yet in some ways has been most irritatingly slow. I truly understand what it feels like to be in a time warp. Your sensations are dulled and out of sync. A fellow blogger has put up an MP3 (Dust In The Wind) on his site that speaks to how I am feeling today about Wayne's passing. (http://richgelina.blogspot.com/) "By His Grace For His Glory".

I think we believe ourselves to be invincible and utterly permanent so when something like a life changing accident occurs, we learn the first lesson. Mortality. We suddenly get a crash course in the realization that we are not here forever and frankly need to make every moment count. But even more than that is the idea that we all are supposed to be here for each other. There are plenty of people out there who are just getting their money together and hiding it in the bank until such time as they can have a great time spending it on their alleged security. But if you truly need them, they are not there for you. I have heard many cliches since the event but even some whom I truly believed meant it, really didn't.

"This is an appropriate song for how I am feeling and reflecting on Wayne's passing. It is true that in this plane we are but dust in the wind. If anything of us remains, it is the love we have shared with each other." I can't stress enough that if you have feelings for someone, anyone, you should not hide them. You don't know that you will be able to tell them later. Every life has some conflict in it, try to minimize this. It's too late after the fact.

I guess I just want to say that I am going to be okay. It has been terribly challenging all along so this really is nothing new except that my very best friend is somewhere else. I send my love and warmth to him all the time and I know he is returning it. I also know he will stick around to help guide me in the rest of my life for which I am grateful. I was truly blessed to have him in my life and I will continue to honour him with how I live and also how I speak of him to others. He was not a saint and would be the first to tell you that he was very normal and earthly. My heart will ache for a very long time but at least today when I got up, I felt a more positive outlook coming back. I hope you turn and tell your loved ones right away that you love and value them. Hug the hell out of them even if they squirm, and remember, No Regrets!!

Namaste

Rest In Peace Dear One

2011-07-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

My head is spinning almost out of control. I go to stand up and the floor wants to meet me. I'm sweating profusely and I'm in desperate shock. My sweet loved one, my life companion has just died in my arms. I keep fighting the urge to shake him and bring him back. I want to tell him he should change his mind and stay here. We would get through whatever else was coming our way. I watch the monitor as his heart rate goes crazy and then slow and then crazy and then slower. His respirations are almost zero but the machine is pumping oxygen like no tomorrow. I slowly lower his head and turn off the useless oxygen. It's only noise and I want us both to experience a tiny little bit of peace for our last few minutes together. I kiss him and tell him I love him and that I don't want to live without him. Then I burst into unconsolable tears. I shake with the strength of my outpouring. I can't possibly scream loud enough for anyone to really appreciate the pain I am feeling. Oh, my God, I see a flicker in his eyelid. Should I get the doctor? Is this a mistake? No it's just the body slowly stopping it's functions. I stay as long as I can. I keep talking to him and telling him it's okay and that God is there to take him in his loving embrace. He will soar and love the freedom from his bonds. It's not goodbye dear one, only until we meet again.

I can't help but get the guilts over something I may have said or the feeling that I didn't do enough or somehow forgot to do something. We knew our time was going to be short together and that it would be challenging since the accident but I wasn't ready for this. This may sound off but frankly I am glad for him. He had so many things wrong and challenges that were so huge and then recently had been diagnosed with a disease that was going to debilitate him even more. I felt like it was the straw that broke the camels back and he wanted done. He was so tired and the Father gave him an opportunity to go home so he went. I know he will stay close for a while, I have already seen him walking through the house and I rejoice in that. I however am absolutely devastated and morose. I will have moments where I am almost okay and then it hits me again. I know I will get through this and as my daughter puts it, it never really gets better, just different. I will celelbrate different when it happens.

In the meantime please be kind to each other. You never know when you won't get the chance to apologize or to tell them one more time you love them.

Wayne, I love you now and forever and I'm so glad I told you everyday. I always loved that you told me everyday as well. I will see you again. Be happy and free Darling!!

Namaste!

Where are you now?

2011-07-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

I watch you drift away from the conversation, immersed in your thoughts and I wonder where you are now? I know you haven't heard me and when you ask me to repeat myself I will be polite and say again whatever it was. I will smile when you respond in a distant manner and watch you go again to that pool of memories that seem so inviting. It can be like carrying on two or more conversations with you but so far no one else see's what I see. Someone struggling to stay current yet wishing to be in the past where the impression is that there was less pain. When you are jarred back to reality you have a pained look on your face from disappointment in being disturbed from your reverie. You don't think I notice the wistful look in your eye when talking about things that are either mundane or necessary. That wish to be elsewhere in a time of no more. It breaks my heart to see you longingly reach into your past to try and satisfy that lustful desire for freedom. The illusion that things were so much better simply because you could move then. The profoundly sad face that says good morning to me but is disappointed that once again has to face yet another day in what seems an interminable torture.

I wish there was some way that I could make things better and take away the pain and misery but I know it actually has nothing to do with me. I can't save the world but I can comfort and love and try to be the best friend possible in impossible circumstances. I can look the other way when you cry out in your frustration and your anger. I try to pretend that it doesn't impact me but you must know on some level that it does. The only thing I can truly convey to you is that you are loved well and have family who love you and support you. You have grandchildren that love you and think you are funky cuz of the cool wheels. Big wheels and little wheels! You have a future growing before your very eyes and frankly none of it has anything to do with whether you can walk or not. What a gift it would be if you could let your eyes turn outward to what's ahead and what you are able to do instead of what's behind and what you used to be able to do.

I only know one thing for sure and that is that I love you. Whether you stand, sit, swing a hammer or use a voice program to write on your computer. It is you deep inside that counts and I swear there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have been and will continue to face this together and while I can't possibly know what it feels like to be you, I do try to understand. If you believe only one thing, let it be that there is definitely a pony in there somewhere!!!

Peace.

Until we meet again.

2011-06-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

I was sad to drop you off today. It has been a month of great conversations, fun, gardening, jokes, fun, serious thinking, shopping, great dining both in and out, and did I mention fun? I know this isn't goodbye but somehow I can't help but feel a bit of a loss because you will be so far away again. Life has a funny way of connecting us all together and we aren't even aware until the void is so noticeable. The journey is a spiritual one whether long or short. I'm glad that we can share part of the journey and I hope that we enrich and empower each other. Much advice has been given and only time will show if it was listened to. I hope your flight home is uneventful and that you really do get a seat away from the darned wing. Take some great pictures and always remember that you have a home here any time you need or want it.

What do friends do for us that no one else can do? They support and love us unconditionally. There is no judgment in a relationship that is not based on what you can do for each other. Rather, it is precisely because of that that you can be yourself. No pressure. No need to try to impress. No one is looking for the hidden agenda so to speak. I appreciate those who truly are my friends. I have had many over the years that claimed to all who would listen that they were the best friend I could ever have but when it came time to prove that love, and stand by me when I needed it most, they disappeared. You couldn't see them for the dust. You might say I have some trust issues now but really I like to think my perceptions of people has become more acute. I don't automatically think someone is my friend just because they were nice to me, nor do I think someone is my enemy just because they weren't nice to me. It's all relative and frankly I have neither time nor inclination to be bothered figuring out which is which. I am sincere and I hope others in my life are as well. That's all I really want.

This is a short posting while I finish formulating the good one. I hope you all are blessed with at least one very dear friend in your lives. Cherish them completely but remember that enemies are only lessons waiting to be learned.

Namaste.

Anybody want a back rub?

2011-05-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here just wishing that I could have someone come up behind me and start to rub my poor aching shoulders. It made me think of a time when I hardly had to think about it and it would be happening. I miss that so terribly. Not the rub but the idea that there was someone who was willing to do that for me. I get very tired by the end of the day because I am not just doing for me. In fact I don’t really need that much so what I do mostly is for someone else. The thought of just going for a quiet walk together, watching the stars, having a picnic. Now our lives seem so full of pandemonium all the time, we have to find ways to escape each other as well in order to get some peaceful time to ourselves. This is no ordinary life by any description. I don’t love it at all. I used to feel guilty about getting a few minutes to myself or craving a hot meal or even just having a bath with no interruptions. All things of the past. It’s so bad, my husband doesn’t call me as much but his workers do. I would like to come up with some solutions that are win win instead of how they are. A friend of mine was with me recently when I was waiting to pick up some prescriptions and he was quite incensed at how long it took and especially the fact that it was not for me. I guess the bottom line is that I’m feeling a little down about it all. I know eventually things will change hopefully for the better so I will keep a stiff upper lip. Here’s to being strong and yet empathic as well. Here’s to a bright outlook and knowing that this is not permanent. I hope for the best for all of us in this soup. If I could love all the hurt away, I would in a heartbeat. Keep smiling.

Namaste!

Wake up call!

2011-04-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

I have come to a shocking realization recently that has rocked my world. Once I got over the initial shock of the accident, I cried and cried and cried, believing that I would eventually get over all the tears and move on. Never a doubt in my mind that I would take care of my husband and that somehow things would be alright. I discovered that I have been harbouring feelings that if I just tried hard enough, if I just worked long enough, if I just did enough research and applied it enough. If I just kept on going no matter what, somehow I would fix all of this and he would be well again. We could put all this behind us. I finally get it that it isn’t for me to do. That no matter what I think about it or discover about it or even try to do about it, I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I feel somehow sad and relieved at the same time because it absolves me of any responsibility to make it better. I have to cope and I am responsible for myself. I need to take care of my health first above everything else. We have a tendency to forget and place our family in front of us. That’s not a great idea but it is particularly dangerous when we have someone who is totally dependant on us. If I’m not well, then what? The number one issue in our circumstance is the lack of sleep. Something that everyone takes for granted but if you have lost as many hours as we have, it becomes more valuable than anything. With sleep is peaceful coexistence, without it is war. With it is love and understanding and calm resolution to conflict. Without it is anger, raw and uncensored and deep resentment. It got so bad for a while that it was a win to count how many days could go by with no tears. We didn’t get past 3 very often. Things are better and continue to improve each day. We are both realists and are trying our best to get the rest we need which ultimately will help us cope with the other things that come along.

One thing I would like to address though is the plight of the caregiver. No one sets out believing that they are doing a noble act or that they will be rewarded in Heaven or anywhere else for that matter. It is just that there is a need and it has to be taken care of. When this all started for me, I thought it was just going to be a temporary situation and that we would muddle through until it got better. Unfortunately, that is not the case however I would not leave nor would I not take care of my loved one. It just is the way it is and somehow we have to get through. I have come back to myself though. I forgot me for a long time. In fact I have been the worst offender of forgetting and outright ignoring my needs for almost 5 years now. Suddenly those needs have become ever so important and I am doing whatever is in my ability to take care of them. Through all the stress and extra work at home, I ended up losing my job. It was a good job that paid quite decently but I just couldn’t handle the pressure there and the stress at home. At first I was terribly upset and disappointed about it but looking back I think the universe has done me a favour. I have time now to pursue a career in a field that interests and challenges me. I am very excited that I am back in school and I tell everyone so. It will be a way for me to get back into the work force and reassert my feelings of contributing to society but more than that it will reinforce my self esteem and independence. So much of this has taken away from my sense of self and I really need to find me again. It’s been a diligent endeavor but I’m on the way to success. Where is my husband in all of this? Well, he still needs to have care and I am the main caregiver. That will likely be the way it is until I absolutely cannot do it anymore. At that time he will go into full time care. Not a terribly happy solution but at least we know that he will be taken care of. Until then we are a team committed to each other to getting the best we can out of our lives together. Things have changed in our perception of what important really means but one thing is for certain. We love each other and that won’t change! I truly believe that this all has a meaning somewhere and someday we will understand. In the meantime the test is how we handle it and how we are with each other and the people around us. I have always treated life with love and respect. I hope this will help someone to know that they are not alone in their misery and that there is a silver lining. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out “why”. Don’t bother, just get on with it. Open your heart and your mind to the wondrous possibilities around you and receive.

Peace.

Stylish Blogger Award

2011-03-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

I am honored to have been given the Stylish Blogger Award by Joylene Nowell, Cluculzwriter. As a recipient I am supposed to tell you 7 things about myself and then choose 7 recipients to pass it on to.

1) I am a Holistic Practitioner. Not quite certified yet but well on my way.

2) I love giving Reiki treatments and my clients love receiving them.

3) I love my grandkids. They tickle my sense of humour and make me feel inspired.

4) If you don't want an answer, don't ask the question.

5) I get a kick out of surprising someone with an unexpected gift or treat.

6) You can always count on me but don't use me.

7) I will always be ready with a hug and a kind word. Just call me.

Now for the recipients of this lovely award.

1) Eventhough he has received this and many other awards, I wish to pass this on to Klahanie. He has to be one of the most talented yet humble writers in the blogosphere.
2) Carole Anne Carr would be my next choice. Her writing takes you to never never land. If you like childrens books you will love how she turns a tale.
3) Knightrider is a brand new blogger and has some very wonderful things to say. He is extremely challenged and so is not writing often but he is worthy of reading.
4) Not Singing The Bipolar Blues is another writer who needs to be heard. She is addressing the very pressing and unfair stygma against mental illness. She makes her story real and relatable.
5) The Widow Lady has touched my heart in so many ways. Her story is one of courage in the face of adversity and well worth reading.
6) Norma Gentile is a gifted sound Sharman and soloist. Her site is The Sanctuary. Give yourself a treat.
7) Last but not least is Richard D who writes By His Grace-For His Glory. His writing is inspirational and upbeat and I enjoy him very much.

Well on to reading and discovering new writers and bloggers. Have a great weekend everyone!!

Namaste

A conversation I wish I could have!

2011-03-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

My mother passed away from this plane in 2000. It's hard to believe that she has been gone that long but even tougher is how many times I think of her and would love to be able to pick up the phone and call her. I could always make her laugh no matter how crappy she was feeling. I miss her a lot but especially when I am feeling low. Things have been tough lately and that is what gave me the idea for this blog. I have a feeling there are more than a few who could relate.
Peace.

Rrrrring! Rrrrring!

Hello?

Hi Mom. How ya doing?

Fine Dear. How about you?

Oh, not so good. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and wanted to be in touch. Are you well?

I’m fine. The weather is warm and I’m comfortable. What prompted you to think about me?

Well, Mom, He has been sick again and I’m so worried. It makes me remember the time you had three of us in the hospital at the same time and none of us in the same one. You managed to visit all three of us most days but I could see you were getting so very tired. Somehow you carried on though. I often think about your strength and wish I had that strength too because I feel very weak sometimes.

Honey, you aren’t weak. You take care of a quadriplegic person and are responsible for him when he can’t be. What makes us strong is doing the things we have to when we feel we really can’t.

Oh, Mom you say the right things. I worry that I will let him down. It’s not that I would neglect him, but he is sick so often and it usually means we don’t get any sleep. I am sleep deprived and I’m afraid I am going to make stupid mistakes that might have very serious consequences.

Well, can’t you find a way to get away so you can get some rest?

I would but although they offer us respite care, no one is doing anything about it. The doctor is dragging his feet because they have labeled him as a difficult patient and they don’t want him in their facility. The case manager is so overworked and bogged down that although she has good intentions, she is doing nothing. I don’t know of any other resources or I would use them. It’s very frustrating and I don’t know where to turn.

How does he feel about all of this? Surely he can see you are struggling.

Yes he does. He isn’t happy about it but he feels a prisoner to his circumstance and as long as I hold up, he’ll just carry on as always.

That doesn’t seem fair.

It’s not but it’s reality.

I love you.

I love you too and miss you more than I can say. I wish we could hug.

I do too Dear. Maybe you should just put this out to the universe and trust that the answer will show itself.

I might as well, nothing else seems to be working. What can I lose?

Namaste!

To Judge or Not to Judge

2011-02-13T13:18:00.001-08:00

AIs that the question? I would hope that a person would want to have complete information before they form an opinion on something but sadly that is not the truth. All too often, I have seen many opportunities for people to grow and benefit from watching, listening, and letting something unfold but that get missed because they are so very busy being right and organizing you. Instead, just like answering questions and comments before they are completely heard, they are quick to respond. I have come up against this recently in my life and although it is not the first time, I’m sure it won’t be the last time. However the irritation will always be the same. How dare you judge me when you don’t have the perfect ruler to measure me against? Who are you to decide that the way I live my life or take care of my health is wrong when you are doing things far worse than I? Since when is it okay for you to let your ego run rampant and make assessments on me? Shouldn’t you be looking in the mirror at yourself first? It’s so easy to give unsolicited advice and there are those who do it all the time. I quite frankly am tired of it. Even worse is the recent incident was based on incomplete information. The person had already made up their mind about me and didn’t even give me a chance to say anything that might change their mind. I am not interested in changing their mind now because if it is that easy, then that is someone I don’t really want to be calling friend. I don’t have to justify or defend myself to anyone. It is quite alright to disagree about things but don’t go thinking you’re right because we have different points of view. I guess why this is so important to me is because this was from someone who claims loudly and proudly that they will never, ever judge. Well, here I am with egg on my face and smarting from the experience but I won’t let it colour how I am with other people. I deeply believe that there is good in everyone. I hope my experience is something that will help someone else along in their life. Please just give a person a chance before you decide that something is so!

Peace

Am I sad?

2011-01-13T11:12:00.000-08:00

I like to think of myself as a happy person with a light spirit. I am a positive thinker and a motivated problem solver. Things don't usually come easily but I don't let that stop me from trying. So why would I be sad sometimes? It seems that I have so much to be thankful for (and really I do) but even those things can pale when you don't feel like your heart is in it. I love my husband and all of my family. My pets make me very happy and my house is something very special and warm. Yet there are times when that isn't enough. It's not the material that will bring happiness anyway. I am in school studying the subjects that I have always been interested in and doing well, I might add. So what the hell is my problem?

I feel so empty at times. Our lives were turned upside down in the matter of a split second. Everything that was normal to us now had to be revised, changed, thrown out, fixed, or started over. Nothing was unaffected by this event. We feel like the Kenny Rogers song about two sparrows in a hurricane. and like them we will survive but it is a daily struggle and hardly something to look forward to each day. So often both of us have lamented about the constant battle just to get to normal and the irritations of our everyday lives. They pile up and you explode and then start over.

We have learned not to let those things gather and then blow. You have to deal with issues at the time or you will drive yourself crazy. The first two years I walked around angry all the time. And in fear. You never knew from one minute to the next what was going to go wrong now. Will he live? Will you survive? How will you make it? Can you count on the so called professionals in your life? Where are your (close?) friends? Who do you go to for advice? How do you know you spoke to the right person? Does it feel right? I learned a long time ago that I can count on my gut and if it isn't right, I'm not doing it.

The biggest thing we want now is peace. Plain and simple. I can deal with the day to day living. I pay my bills and I go shopping and out to lunch when I can. I love going to school because it challenges me in so many ways. But when I come home, I want to leave the outside world, outside. I read a sweet story once that spoke about a father coming home from work every day. His children would watch for him to arrive and every day, before he would come in, he would rub his hands on a tree that was growing in the front yard. Whatever the weather, he would do this and then enter the house. After some time of watching this his children couldn't stand the curiousity any longer and asked him why he would do that. He said that the tree was his "trouble tree". When he would come home, he didn't want to bring in the problems from the job or other outside influences into his sanctuary so he would leave them on his tree. That way, he could come into the home in a good frame of mind, happy to see everyone and have a nice peaceful time with his family. I usually will just wipe my feet on the mat outside the door but with the same intentions. I leave my troubles outside because they really don't belong in the house with us. We have enough to deal with without bringing in extra. It really works to help you to focus and put things in perspective. I'm not saying that I'm happy all the time but I definitely will always be positive and forward looking. I hope what I have said here helps someone to focus and find their "trouble tree".

Peace!

Hello 2011

2011-01-05T22:43:00.000-08:00

Well, I am amazingly strong and vibrant today. I still have all the things to do I did before. I still have to make lists or something gets forgotten. I did the laundry, shopped, went to lunch, read some of my studies, made supper, took the dog out several times, picked up the refuse and I still feel great. The one thing that was different was that I did a reflexology treatment for a friend and of course while you're doing that you can't help but be doing Reiki as well. The rule is that you get at least as much as you give and usually more. I'm absolutely positive that the reason I feel so good tonight is because of that. What a wonderful thing. Sort of makes you want to pay it forward as much or as often as you can. Imagine everyone using Reiki and effecting beautiful healing all over the world both for others and for themselves. Hmmm, I think that is exactly what we are all supposed to be doing. Even if you haven't got your Reiki, there are plenty of ways to spread joy and love in our environment. Pay for the guys coffee behind you in line. Pick up the litter and put it in the trash. Smile! Nothing is easier to do and brings more happiness to all. It's contagious. In fact most people want to smile but sometimes are too shy or withdrawn to initiate one so if you do, they relax and there's sunshine all around.

Life isn't supposed to be about fairy tales although a good story is great on a quiet night and bad weather outside. If we all remain positive and thinking of others, it all comes back. Usually when you need it the most. Sometimes it's hard to recognize but I know if you listen, you can hear that little voice telling you it's going to be okay. Hang on, and it will get better. I know it can be very tough so I'm not unrealistic however I'm a staunch believer in stubbornly not letting the bad guys in. I think there's a lot to be said of Wendy and Peter telling each other to "think happy thoughts." It is said that you get what you think about whether you want it or not. Doesn't it make sense then to think positively and upbeat. Come on, you can do it. Be like the little engine saying "I think I can, I think I can" and suddenly realising that he did it. I know you can, I know you can.

Peace

Happy New Year

2010-12-29T22:56:00.000-08:00

I sit here with a nice warm cup of hot chocolate and think about the season just past. I’m not reflective or maudlin in any way but I do feel a bit nostalgic for years past. When our lives were universally different and peace was only a thought. When we would dream of moving to a place where we could be quiet and happy and then go back to what we were doing to survive the noise and bustle of city life. I wish I had not picked up the phone when the call came to tell me of the accident. I wish I could somehow turn the clock back and have a do over for that summer but with the knowledge I have now. In fact I would go back even further with my wisdom intact, and my inspiration in front of me. I would not go out of my way to change things but because I would be armed with knowing the future, of course my actions would change and thus the domino effect would take place. So here is the conundrum. Would my acting differently, thereby changing outcomes, make things better or worse? Would I be sitting in my new future wondering how the hell I got there and how can I get out, or being ever so thankful for the good things that came my way?

Here’s a funny answer to that. I have grown so much as an individual that I could not feature things being any different. I wouldn’t wish the circumstances my husband has gone through on my worst enemy but to wish they didn’t happen is useless and a waste of precious time and energy. Here we are, and here we will have to deal with. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. The only real choice I have in all this is whether I will face it with sadness and a feeling of hopelessness, or with a positive spirit and the strength of a willing and hopeful heart. I choose the latter. There are those who think I am crazy and unrealistic but they are wrong. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but until you walk in these shoes you can’t understand. I am not willing to let all of this get me down. I only know this has made me grow beyond even what I thought possible and I am grateful. I have always had a light but now people are actually seeing it. No it’s not a halo. That would only trip me up. It is the spirit me. The part that shines no matter what and stands us as light warriors. It is the real meaning of love and caring for our fellow humans.

I hope that the new year rings in good things for everyone and that if you have been struggling, that the effort will become easier. May your burden be lighter and a joy to carry. I have come to the conclusion that I really don’t know very much sometimes but I keep going anyway. Trying because to do less would be dishonorable. What do I know for certain? I know I’m tired and that my hot chocolate is cold. Blessings to all in the New Year.

Peace.

Christmas is coming ready or not!

2010-12-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Let me just say up front and without reservation that I LOVE CHRISTMAS. Yes indeed for all the sappy, happy, and sweet reasons you can think of. I have always looked for the best in people and Christmas just seems to afford that when other times aren't nearly as conducive. Things that make it special to me are.... frost on the windows and even on the car. I scrape and scour and clean it off so I can see but while I am shivering, I am appreciating how beautiful it is. If you look closely you can see the close conformity of the crystals and how they cling together. Sort of like when you are in front of the fireplace and you want to cuddle with your special one. MMMM. Shoveling the snow is not my favourite but I appreciate it as well. The white just gives everything around us definition and perspective. The trees although leafless stand out in all their beauty dressed in white fluffy clouds of ice crystals. My dog, Bean loves the snow as well. There is nothing like getting a snowball in the face to start the excitement. She'll snowplough with her nose and then sneeze while looking at me to see what I will do next. If she sees me making the snowball, she will start jumping and growling a little to let me know she's ready. The sparkle in her eyes reminds me of being a kid and forts and loads of snowballs tossed crazily at each other.

Yesterday I had to do some last minute shopping. I left home swearing not to return until I had completed my mission. Unfortunately I was not able to get everything on my list but I will in the new year. I watched the people try to be patient with each other,dodging out of the path of oncomers. Even though the mall was crowded and hectic, there seemed to be an eerie hush of determination. It was like everybody had the same thought that I did. I was on a mission and nothing would deter me. Or so I thought. One thing that pleased me was that most people including the retail sales people would take time to wish each other a Merry Christmas. It warmed my heart considering how sick I am of hearing about idiots needing to be politically correct and wishing each other Happy Holidays. If you don't believe in Christ, you shouldn't be celebrating his birthday.

I am so happy where we are now and this Christmas is so special. It's the first one in our very own home. It's the first one living in the area where we are now. It's the first one being spent with some new friends. It can't be much better for sure. I count my blessings always but I can't help but take a pause in all the business to say "Thank you" in my heart. I am humble with gratitude. I look forward to a wonderful new year. The positive things just keep coming and I'm ready.

Merry Christmas to all and I hope you have many blessings to be thankful for.

Peace.

I AM MIGHTY!!

2010-12-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

I am mighty, I feel no fear!

All I have is with me here.

As I go along my way,

I will stand another day!

Strong and Fearless and knowing well

I AM MIGHTY!!

Peace.

When is Sexism okay?

2010-11-14T18:59:00.000-08:00

How is it that it 's okay to be a sexist in this supposedly educated and open minded society? It's true that through the years and for many generations, men have been nasty, unthinking, unkind, and down right brutal in their opinions of women and their so called "place" in society. I have been the brunt of it at times in the work place and certainly at home with an ex husband. I have known many ladies who also have been put down, patronized, and cajoled relentlessly. I breathed a huge sigh of relief collectively with many others when things started turning around and we were being seen for more than bottle washers and scullery maids with no ambition. Imagine how shocked and surprised I have been feeling upon hearing some of the truly nasty comments that are being made to men now. "Oh, it's a man thing, dear." "Oh, it's okay, it's because you have a penis." "You can't help yourself, you're a man." Ladies I fully understand the desire to get even for some of the things that have been said but one rule never changes no matter what. That is that "two wrongs don't make a right" Whether it is being said by a man or by a woman, if disrespect is perpetuated, it will continue. I think the idea is to get rid of the problem, not switch sides. I would get on my soap box about it anyway, but my main motivation right now is that it was said to my husband recently. I could see by the hurt look on his face that he felt demeaned and embarassed. He didn't say anything to the offending party because she actually really cares about him very much and only intended in fun but what she doesn't get is it isn't fun when it hurts! I only ask you ladies the same as I have ever asked the men in the crowd to please think before you speak. There is no need to be hurtful or disrespectful to anyone. There is plenty of room for fun and joking, just not the hurtful type. I hope the next generation is not going to do it.

Peace!

I love my daughter

2010-10-31T22:51:00.001-07:00

I have had a song playing in my head for a couple of days now and ordinarily that would be very annoying however I believe this is one of those signs I should be paying attention to. It's amazing how much is really told to us but we ignore or just plain don't notice. This is a Martina McBride song called "In My Daughter's Eyes". It's one of those beautiful pieces that stir the emotions to tears of love and gratitude. In fact if you didn't have a daughter, it would make you relate to someone close to you who does have a daughter. And frankly if you don't cry, you have to be made of steel.

It makes me appreciate the woman my daughter has turned out to be. First though, she was a beautiful little girl who stole my heart the moment she was born and put in my arms. We locked eyes while I said hi to her. I told her two things. One was that I loved her unconditionally forever and that would never change and the second was that I was sorry because someday the same thing that just happened to me was going to happen to her. She was so darned cute growing up but the thing that captivated most people about her was her wonderful smiling spirit. You could ask her anytime to do something and she would always say "sure"!

When she started school, it was half days in the beginning so on a Friday afternoon we would go on an "adventure". I would walk her and her friend home from school where she would usually get changed and then she and I would leave for a drive. We would go somewhere nice for lunch, and then go wherever we felt pulled to go. We went many places and saw lots of things so when she went into grade one and full days, I felt very out place for a while. Hell, I still miss doing it. One of the best times I remember was when my late husband, my son, my daughter and myself took big black garbage bags to a duck pond in a park near to where we lived at the time and started to pick up garbage. There was always a mess around the pond and I didn't want the ducks to get sick. Or the other birds but I have a soft spot for ducks because they are so darned cute. While we were doing that, a bunch of boys came over to see what we were doing. I told them and said that they could help if they wanted to. One pertinent little bugger wanted to know what was in it for him so I told him that he would earn the right to have a great sense of pride for doing the right thing and that it would make him feel really good about himself. I thought that would turn him away but he helped out with the rest of the boys and us and in a very short time, the pond was clean, the ducks were happy and my little girl was also happy.

I'm not saying that my child and I have not had our challenges but it speaks to the quality of person that she is that we have gotten by all of that and moved on. She has two very wonderful children herself now, a son and a daughter and I feel history repeating itself in that I see how much she loves both of them and they absolutely adore her and rightfully so. It is a wonderful thing to watch but every once in a while I see myself and I'm reminded again of the song and I do see myself "In My Daughter's Eyes".

Peace

2010-10-28T17:51:00.001-07:00

October 28, 2010

Thank you Gary and Penny for bestowing upon me the coveted Gold Framed Dog Blog Award. I was terribly excited and honored to receive it and right away started to think about how I would express my gratitude. I have always loved my furry, hairy, feathered, and scaly little brothers and sisters. If it is at all in my power, I will see no harm come to any of them. If I could do nothing else, I have always prayed for them and if I have the great misfortune to see one who has been killed I always pray over them. No one knows better than a pet partner (I won’t call them an owner) the true unconditional love that is given to them 24/7. They don’t care if you have bad breath or that you have gained weight. It means nothing to them that you didn’t get the promotion. If you are hurting, they are the first to give you love and cuddles and just try to make the bad feelings go away. When my husband was first in the accident and then in hospital, I wept night after night, after night and my troop would all gather round me giving total love and support. Now all I have to do is whimper and they immediately assume their positions. One might say my guys are spoiled but I say they are loved back as unconditionally as they have always loved me. So….I appreciate the award and will cherish it always. I will have to think for a bit before I decide whom to pass it on to but pass it I will.

Peace

Heroes

2010-10-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

Isn’t is amazing that nothing is ever as easy as it should be or as it seems. You get mired into the thick of things and realize that what you thought would take no more than 30 minutes will actually end up taking the better part of the day. Why is that you wonder? Well, I think it has to do with planning or the lack of and unrealistic expectations.

Recently I was offered several goldfish for my pond as the gentleman was changing his pond and didn’t want the bother of trying to keep fish while under construction. It sounded to me like he was just going to let the poor little guys die so of course I would rescue them. I went armed with two buckets, two nets, and a solid determination that I was going to be superwoman and rescue the fishes. I let him know I was there and he gave me his blessings, although he was chuckling to himself at the prospect of me being out there by myself trying to catch elusive fish. I went in to the back yard and made a plan of attack. I figured if I used the larger net behind them, it would chase them into the smaller net and I would just scoop them out. It shouldn’t take more than an hour at best I was sure. Reality was that the width of the pond was much larger and deeper than my reach and when I put the larger net in the water, yes it moved the fish but they didn’t come anywhere near me to catch with the other net. I was standing there trying to make another plan when two of his friends came into the yard, They greeted me and asked what was going on. When I explained what I was up to, they offered to give me a hand. Actually one said to the other, “I think we should go fishing!” I laughed and agreed it was a good idea. They grabbed a couple of nets from the owner and started to try grab the slithery sleuths. They didn’t do much better than me but we all were laughing by now and having some fun. The younger of the two left for a few minutes but came back with his daughter and her friend to help out. Next thing I know, the Mom showed up in rubber boots and a big smile. Here we were, 6 of us around the pond trying to grab fish. Somewhere in the middle of the festivities, it was decided that a pump was needed to start draining the pond as the fish were hard to see due to the murk in the water. The drainage was quite fast so it didn’t take long to start filling up my buckets that I had half filled with his pond water. We actually ended up with 14 fish and a lot of laughter besides. When I took the fish home I cautiously filled the other half of the buckets with my pond water so that they could acclimatize fairly easily. I let them sit for about a half hour but didn’t want to wait too long as they didn’t have much air. I started to pout them into my pond very carefully so that I could count how many actually were in the buckets. There were 14 beautiful goldfish plopping into the water. At first they were slow to move and I’m sure they were kind of dizzy from all the movement in the vehicle but gradually they came around. I waited a couple of hours and then threw some flakes into the water. It made me happy to see they were hungry and darting at the flakes. I know that they will make the winter just fine and we should have some lovely quiet times in the spring listening to the waterfall and watching those beautiful goldfish.

The next morning I went out to see if everybody made it. If there were any floaters, I wanted to clear the water as soon as possible. I was delightfully surprised to see them swimming under where the fountain spills into the pond. It was like they were showering and you could see the pleasure it was giving them. While I was watching and enjoying them, it made me proud to think of the people who pulled together for a neighbour in need. No one asked, they saw the necessity and got the job done. Bravo to them all for helping out with such good and light spirits. They all earned a great Karmic reward that day. Good on them!

Peace.

Hershey or Greaser

2010-10-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

It’s funny but nothing really sets us apart more than the definitions or divisions from when we were younger and (shudder) in school. I always felt the outcast in school simply because my parents had to move quite a bit. No, I wasn’t an army brat nor was my stepfather in the forces. Instead he was a “relief liquor vendor” and had to fill in when others could no longer do their duties. For the most part it was just around town but the hardest one for my parents was just after they had purchased a home, they suddenly found themselves having to pack up and move up the coast and inland to a tiny village called Stewart.

I was barely 8 years old and have to leave the safe tutelage of a beloved teacher, Mrs. Whitticut. She cared a lot about me and I was scared and excited all at the same time to be going on an adventure so far away and different from anything I had known up to that time. She reassured me that I would be fine, and hugged me goodbye on my last day there.

The only way at that time to get to Stewart was by boat. WAC Bennet had tried to get the highway through but they hadn't figured out how to get by Permfrost yet. It's different from the lower mainland and can cause huge damage. We sailed up the coast on a freighter that would accept a few passengers. I don’t remember a lot of the voyage however the scenery has never left me. It was breathtakingly beautiful even to a little girl who had traveled nowhere. One night the water was particularly rough and the ship was being tossed lazily from side to side. I am very thankful to this day that I don’t get sea sick. My bunk was the top one and my brother and Mother slept in the bottom. I think my stepfather had gone on before us to get the shop set up and our accommodations ready. I had to get up to use the facilities and on the way back whilst climbing up the ladder to my bed, a huge wave hit the ship and she swayed hard and fast making me momentarily lose my footing and grip. From the darkness I heard a very sharp intake of breath at the sight of my plight. It was my Mother whom I didn’t know was watching over me while I was out of the bed. As I lost my grip, she jumped up to catch me from falling but it wasn’t necessary as I have great reflexes and caught myself. She smiled at me and said go back to sleep. I hugged her and said goodnight. Little did I know, she was sea sick but I was lulled to sleep by the sounds of the water hitting the hull and the movement. I felt like I was in a cradle being rocked lovingly to sleep.

Once we arrived, we went to our new place. Some things had arrived before us and as we walked up the steep stairs to our “apartment”, I felt excited and thrilled at something new. I was very puzzled when my Mother stood there in the tiny kitchen and cried. Our palace was 4 very tiny and unpleasant rooms. The place smelled funny to me but that didn’t dampen my spirits. The stove was an old fashioned wood stove. We had to keep bringing up kindling so that Mom could cook. I must say that bread cooked that way doesn’t compare to anything you can get now, not even fresh from the bakery.

My first day at school was thrilling, scary, and in the end, shocking! I was a city girl used to going to a classroom for my studies. The teacher would stand up front and teach the appropriate material for our grade. My new schoolhouse had only 3 rooms with the grades shared evenly between them. I was in grade two at the time so I got to go to room #1 which housed grades one to four. Your grade sat in a row of wooden desks. It was surreal to look around to see Grade One on my left and Grade Three on my right. The winter was probably the most memorable event to me since the first year there was over 30 feet of snow. Our heat was a great big black pot bellied stove out in the “foyer”. Our rooms had no heat so you wore lots to keep warm. In this school house, there was little room for play time but in the winter, there were two basements for this purpose. On one side, was the girls’ basement and on the other was the boys’. One very sad event was that in order to keep the pipes from freezing, they had to use powdered Draino. One of the boys on a dare was so stupid as to “drink” the draino. He immediately had to go to the hospital (not much bigger than a small clinic) and if I remember correctly he died. All his insides were terribly burned. My Mother was extremely upset and lectured me long about not putting things in my mouth that didn’t belong. She had no worry, I wasn’t even tempted.

I really was never accepted by these children. I endured many beatings, bruises, names called, and jeers. Even the teachers didn’t like me. One I remember whose name was Miss Short, took great pleasure in making sure I would learn to behave only unfortunately for me, it was not me that needed the instruction. We were doing a test for finals. Someone made me look up at them and she decided that I had been talking. She took my test and told me to come after school. I did with the biggest fear in my stomach. Once I arrived she accused me of talking during the exam, which I protested. I had not been talking but I was 8 and she wasn’t listening. She took out the dreaded strap and made me roll up my sleeves to expose my whole are. She strapped me 5 times on each arm but I was so stubborn that I refused to cry. She said okay you can go now. As I go to the door she called me back. She took my arms and strapped me three times more each which gave her the desired result of me crying. I had let my defenses down and she took advantage. I must say though that it was the one time in my life that my Mother really stood up for me. She was absolutely furious because the strapping had left blisters on my poor little arms. She wrapped them in cloth and salve to heal me up and the next day went to the school for a private meeting with Miss Short. I didn’t get to be there but I heard about it later. She was so angry but deadly calm and told Miss Short that I was not a liar but more importantly, she advised her not to find herself alone anywhere, least of all a dark alley because Mom would be there!!! Trust me, my Mother could look crazy enough to convince you of anything, a trait I admit that I happily have inherited.

Finally Mom had had enough and asked me why I kept letting them beat me up? Why don’t you fight back? I said because I’m not allowed to fight. She said, well you can fight back now! Don’t let them hurt you any more. Sock them in the jaw!! That gave me permission to stand up for myself. She didn’t know what kind of Tiger she was going to unleash but let’s just say they didn’t want to bother me much after that.

Then it was time to go back to the city. I took valuable lessons with me and translated them into my every day life back in a city school. I finished elementary school somewhat unremarkably except for the fact that I had a little brother who would constantly get himself in trouble and then get Mom to send me in to take care of it. Because of it, I had a reputation that got to the high school before I did. This was not an easy thing however it made people leave me alone. The only ones who bugged me were the ones who needed to prove something, so they would approach me. I took on boys and girls. It didn’t matter to me because it was self preservation.

One thing I found so interesting though was the labels. I have grown up to hate labels because I think they hold us back and become excuses for certain behaviors. In our school you either were a Hershey (chocolate bar) who was sweet, innocent, non fighter, studious, and otherwise nauseatingly good student. Or you were a greaser who wore the dark clothes, lot’s of make up, had an attitude about everything and basically were rebels. I fell somewhere in between. I take pride in that it my diligence (although not alone) that won us the right to wear pants to school. Yes boys and girls, once upon a time ago we had to wear skirts and dresses. Anything else was not accepted.

I am still a rebel but I have learned strongly to pick my battles. I won’t waste my time or my precious energy on things that are not worthy. I also embrace the revelation that really it is all about love. I had to come a long way to learn that but here I am smiling and happy. I have many blessings to be thankful for and I’m sure many more on the way. Hallelujah!!

Peace.

Life Lessons

2010-10-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have recently signed up to take some courses in healing and emotional release therapy. The course also includes a huge section on Aromatherapy, which I have heard can be very successful when combined with other technologies to an end.

I have to say that the thought of going back to school of any sort is pretty exciting to me. In fact, it's kind of funny that while I was in school (many years ago, sometime in the dark ages) I enjoyed going but I didn't really enjoying learning. In fact I found some of the studies to be very intimidating because I just wasn't getting it and I had no support at home. "Oh, it's alright dear. You're just going to get married and have babies anyway so it doesn't matter." Little did I know that I had a bent for medicine and helping people. I have had several come to me for advice and even in my younger years, it seemed all I had to do was sit at a bus stop to get some of the most fascinating life stories. I have the kind of demeanour that engenders trust. My face says "You can talk to me" and people generally do. So I figure it just is a logical step for me to get some good tools in my box and really apply myself.

The first thing I am studying is the Tapping therapy. Today for the first time since I was 13 years old, I not only was able to let go of a huge anger towards my stepfather but I actually forgave him. With that forgiveness has come understanding and knowing where the real bully was. It was never him but he and I were put in opposite corners and told to come out fighting. I feel very sad that both of us were manipulated that way but now that I understand, I can appreciate why he said some of the stuff he said. We were both victims. It is so liberating to let go of all that crap and I feel so much lighter!!

It just makes me realize how much we carry with us on this journey and a lot of it unneccessary. Our parents didn't have the tools we have and we didn't have the tools that the next generation has and I'm sure that the following generation will be much better again. It can't help but continue to get better all the time until someday, no one will have issues carried from our families of origin. I pray for that time because frankly too much is wasted on that when we could be better served to concentrate on making our whole world a happier and more peaceful place to live. Let's love ourselves healthy and say goodbye to the phobias, heartaches, and baggage that really doesn't belong to us. Remember, you are mighty and loved and a truly unique being in this world. I celebrate all of us and I'm so glad to be a part of it.

Peace.

Surprises

2010-09-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

I was invited by my neighbour to a Christian Women's Luncheon today at a restaurant near where we live. I accepted and thought to myself that it would be a nice opportunity to meet women in my community since I am new here. I was delighted at the range of ages and abilities that were there. Everyone was in great spirit and welcomed the newcomers ( I was one of four). The lunch was adequate and we all were very talkative during the time of munching. After about 30 minutes or so it was time for announcements and then a talk from one of the elder members about her very impressive collection of bells.

I was intrigued with all the places in the world the bells had travelled from. She brought large and tiny alike and rang them for us to hear and appreciate. Once she was finished it was now time for the featured speaker. A hush truly fell over the crowd in anticipation of this lovely lady who spoke very eloquently about green shoes and the poverty she grew up in. The story was truly inspirational and led us on a path of courage, hardship, and victory. In all of it she was strong in her love for God and appreciative of His guidance. She touched all of us with her sincerity and I was so very glad that I had been able to attend.

I knew before we moved here that there were some very special events and gifts just waiting for us. It is a very spiritual area here and I have felt the pull and the desperate need to be here for so many years. On moving day, I couldn't get here fast enough. I was like a crazed driver and nothing was going to stand in my way. Now that we are here, I am able to allow myself the luxury of getting to meet people and learn about the area. Every place has it's cutoms and things that are specific to the area and we are like a couple of kids experiencing Hallowe'en for the first time. Our realtor and I have become friends. We enjoy doing "lunch" and going on shopping jaunts together. We make each other laugh and sometimes cry. It is one of those relationships that just was right from the first time we met. And ours is not the only one.

Years ago, I met a First Nations Cree woman who owns a shop in town. It is a gallery of Native arts and crafts. She has so much there that you can't possibly see it all so you have to make more than one visit. Every time we would come here to visit, we would make sure that we would stop in and say Hello. Every time, she always had a tidbit to pass on as if she knew I was listening with my heart more than my ears. Now that we live here, I let her know that I have always appreciated her and hoped that we would grow a friendship. It has been reciprocated in such wonderful ways but the way I am so very excited about right now is that I have finally learned what my Totem is.

Your Totem is an animal likeness that has personality properties that are reflected in how you deal with life. They will help you learn your lessons and you can call on them when you feel you are needing lessons or help. I don't claim to know all about it yet but I was so thrilled when mine showed itself to me. I have been seeing signs for a while now but didn't realize that someone was trying to get me to "read my mail" so to speak. I have had the information presented to me three different times now so I can no longer ignore what they have said. My husband said that the Totem picks you, not the other way around so be grateful and learn. If you are curious, my Totem is the Eagle. If I was to pick one, that would have been the farthest from my thoughts but now that I know, so many things are making sense to me. So here's to living life to the fullest and embracing the new. Isn't it wonderful to still be able to be pleasantly surprised?

Peace

Conflict

2010-08-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

Ever have times in your life where you thought you were completely in control and suddenly the sh*t hit the fan and you didn't know to duck? I recently have been through a storm which left me with a question mark over my head. First I really didn't know where the issues started, second I didn't know how to deal with them, and third I didn't know how to resolve them. I'm not arrogant but I am sure in my way to deal with life in general. I found myself in a position where I actually had to ask advice from others. I was thankful for the person I could talk to but it took two weeks before I found them. It's funny how the universe leads us in certain directions. I felt like I was running around in circles and accomplishing nothing but really what I was doing was re learning not to be wasteful with my resources. If you're tired you can't function rationally. If you're upset you can't logically and calmly respond to goads and temper. I had to dig hard to find the reasons first. Once I did, I could then rationalize the solution. However it meant coercing the cooperation of the individual who caused all the mess in the first place. That was hard because they were wearing blinders which kept them from seeing their responsibility in the situation. Once I got the advice from the other person, the light went on and it dawned on me what the problem was.

I sometimes feel like a record ( a cd with grooves for the younger set and yes they were on both sides!) that is skipping. Somebody needs to give me a nudge so I can stop replaying the same thing over and over and over and over....well, you know what I mean.

If you look at your own life with blinders, it is no wonder some people seem to just glide through and never seem to have issues. But really, they are doing themselves more harm because they are missing opportunities to learn. I quit praying for patience because God kept sending things to challenge me. Duh!! I know I say the same thing every blog but I ,ust restate that by being positive in our lives, things will get better. We all need to learn and those opportunities seem to come in bushels sometimes but doesn't it feel great to get to the other side knowing you did the best you could. It's not about winning but growing. Strength in a blade only comes after much stress and sharpening. I would say I could just about be a scalpel by now. I love this life and one of the best things about it is I get to pass on my wisdom and especially to my family. Love them all, every one!!

Peace

Moving

2010-07-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

When we first bought the house and decided on when the best time the move would be, I was terribly excited. In fact the first week I don't think I hardly slept for the excitement. In my mind I was already packed and on my way. Oh, if only it could be that easy! Not complaining but it was exceedingly challenging in so many ways. Of course the bottom line is that we are here and things are finally settling down into a dull roar but it has been quite the journey getting it there. I want to start a support group for caregivers here because there doesn't seem to be anything like what I am imagining. Like a stitch and bitch. A place where people can be themselves and to vent their challenges and disappointments. Also a place to find positive reinforcement and to know they are not alone. It is a great way to exchange ideas and information. Plus the added bonus of forming some very strong allies in this fight against invisibility. In fact I have just investigated a course which will enhance my abilities in all of these areas. I am a believer in not run of the mill treatments. If something works, then find out why. If it takes thinking outside of the box, then all the better. I love a challenge and frankly our system laughingly called the medical system is not working any more. I was sad when I grew up and realized how bad it is and nothing seems to be being done about it. Perhaps there are ripples in the back ground but it would be a wonderful thing to see positive changes taking place right now.

I absolutely love where we are situated now. It is very peaceful and if things settle down long enough, we will find some healing. I know I am very much in need of some spiritual strength. It has been lacking in my relationships and I especially need it to get by. In life I have found though that you can waste a lot of time and energy if you are just waiting for things to get better. You must be proactive in all aspects. Waiting implies giving responsibility to someone or something else and therefore relieving us of any responsibility in the outcome. It isn't true and the sooner we realize that, the better. You must make things happen in your life even if it is just setting it in motion. Know this now my friends. You have a lot of power in your destiny and you can achieve anything. Set the desire in your heart and believe it is already accomplished. Then get ready for it. A small example would be....I want to study a course this fall but I am short on the money. Instead of grieving the funds, instead I believe a way will be shown to me to get the course so I go out and I get the books and materials I will need. I think positively about the course, never doubting that I am going and somehow the Universe hears me and presents an opportunity for me. I believe in it being that simple. I have proven the theory to myself repeatedly and have found it to be an incredible tool.

I thank those who have been waiting patiently for me to get writing again. I promise that I won't take this long again. Blessings to all. I will see you soon.

Peace

Sarcasm

2010-05-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

My Mother used to have an expression about sarcasm which I incorporated into a poem because she was very cuttingly sarcastic and especially with me. She would use it to belittle me when I had committed some indiscretion (unnoticeable to me) and needed to correct me. I got tired of it but around our house, she was the ruler and you didn't talk back. Ever!! So I got brave one night and left this little note on the table for her to find in the morning.

Sarcasm

Sarcasm is the cheapest form of wit,

it always seems to hurt when someone uses it.

And though it makes them feel so good

to think that they've been smart.

It hurts them even more to know

you didn't take it to heart!

When I got up the next day, I was nervous but my mother never said anything about it. In fact, though it got quite pleasant for a long time without any sarcasm. I would say that deep down she was proud of me and really had to admit to herself that she had been unkind and needed to settle down. Really, she was a loving parent in some ways and I don't think she wanted to hurt but it came out anyway. I believe she was acting out because of her upbringing which was extremely rough. She quite literally got taken out to the wood shed and beaten with huge chunks of wood. Her sister on the other hand rarely got a spanking and from what I have heard, got treated very well in all aspects of the family.

I just want people out there to realize how damaging words are when used in anger or for revenge. You think your kids aren't listening but know it now that they are hearing you and it is doing damage that lasts a lifetime. Why not give a lifetime worth of wonderful memories.

Peace

I love to write poems sometimes!!

2010-05-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

The Sun peeking out after a morning of rain!

The friendly word
The gentle touch
The furtive glance
that says so much!

The warm embrace
so soft and kind.
The teasing kiss,
the intention behind

The sweet smell of clean
the excitement and fear.
The closeness of bonds
set by circumstance here.

Time is a limit set
only by one and yet
followed rigourously
can sometimes be bent.

Fervour well placed,
passion not too refined.
Mixed with human nature
brings laughter to mind.

A smile on a face
streaked with a tear.
A loving embrace,
a need to be near.

More than a moment
of diversion or lust.
A slight understanding
of something called trust!

Peace!

Mother's Day is coming in May

2010-04-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

I am currently in the throes of packing up to move and I am finding all kinds of things to sort through and dispose of. It's amazing how much we can accumulate and put away with the idea of using it later. While I am going through it all, I am also looking at things that rarely see the light of day because they are special and put away for the future. One of those things is a letter that I wrote to my mother. She and I had a very rocky relationship because she did a lot of drinking and it changed her personality. I got to the point where I just couldn't deal with it anymore and so I quit talking to her. It was a silence that lasted nine years while I tried to heal. I called her one day to talk and I am so glad I did. She was tentative at first but her health was deteriorating and she wanted to reconnect. It was slow and difficult but we got there. I actually lost her in 2001 but before I did, I sat down one day and wrote her a letter. Her generation doesn't want to talk about things. They find it embarrassing and invasive. Most things just get stuffed away or forgotten. Our generation wants to communicate and sometimes it is hard to understand when a person is unwilling to take that step. Here is the letter and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's never too late to let someone know they are special in your life.

Dear Mom;

This is actually not an easy letter to write but I need to tell you some things and I think this is the best way. I am putting this on my computer because I can make the print bigger and darker so that hopefully it is easier for you to read.

Over the years as we are growing up there seems to be something new every week to resent about our parents. Having to follow rules, cleaning up our rooms, getting grounded for an infraction of the invisible "parents law", rarely getting rewarded for a job we perceived well done. How many times did I hear you say, "That's the last straw" when I didn't know I had broken the first one. I have come to the glorious conclusion that parents are human and are quite capable of making mistakes. ( Boy that was a shock!)

I wanted to say though that even though I still have resentments over some things, I also know that in order to be healthy I have to move on from those things and also at the same time I want to thank you for some of the things I count as very positive aspects of my inner self. After all you were the most major influence in my formative years so I have to tell you what wonderful things you gave me. I know, being a parent myself, that we wonder if all the good teaching we did sunk in and will help our kids when they need it the most.

You taught me to be strong in the face of all things come what may because if you weaken life has a way of kicking you right in the butt and getting back is difficult enough.

You gave me my absolute determination to succeed in whatever I do even if my accomplishments don't mean anything to anyone else. As long as I do what I think needs to be done and I do it well, I am successful.

When I was a baby, you taught me unconditional love. I have spent my life looking for it again and have found it with Wayne. These two times parallel each other in happiness for me.

You gave me my solid belief in the strength of family (even though ours has never been united).

You planted in my heart the meaning of devotion and the Love of the Lord. You always called Him a higher being but you taught me that a belief system is really needed in this life because without it a person is a "Lost Soul".

I am very proud of the time , when you had three people in the hospital at the same time and you came home so very tired and sad, that I could be your pillar for a change as you had been mine. My heart went out to you and it made me love you just a little more because you showed me that you were not invincible and that somehow made you even more powerful.

I can think many more things to thanks you for but I just wanted to let you know that even when you had doubts that you were reaching me (like the time we had that little talk about sex in the bathroom when you were getting ready for work and when I asked a question you were thrilled until it turned out that I only wanted a cookie) that so many things that were unspoken went right to my very soul. You did the best you could with the tools you had and it was not easy for you with the other struggles you had as well. I love you very much and wanted yo to know it! I'll talk to you soon.

Love Always

Heather

Peace!

What is a good day?

2010-04-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

I have come to accept that sometimes the fact that I get out of bed in the morning denotes a good day. It has been difficult not to be depressed over the things that have happened in our lives but I am not one to feel sorry for myself or to bemoan incidents that didn't go my way. I will however cheer loudly from the corner when someone I care about deeply is going forward in a most positive way.

Today, I took my husband to a new therapy clinic that uses a machine called a "Lokomat". This machine will simulate walking on a tread mill. Now for those of us who have not lost that precious ability, it sounds like something you may find in a gym and to avoid when we don't "feel" like getting physical. For my husband this was a wonderful gift and a most gratifying experience. One which we will repeat as many times as possible. This is an expensive endeavour but I didn't want him to miss out on what it can do for him. It may or may not assist him to be able to walk again. The body will remember with the right stimulation however we don't know what will be in the future. The great benefits of this though is that he will increase and improve his circulation, get his lungs functioning better, and the swelling in his limbs will go down. Plus the added bonus of him actually seeing himself standing up and looking down at his feet. He was able to grip the bars on either side oh him as well for balance. The best part of all though, I must say was the ear to ear grin he was wearing as he was "walking" for the first time in four years. My heart swelled with pride and yes I admit I shed a tear or two. I am so pleased for him and we will continue as long as we can. We have hopes for the future. Smile big and enjoy life.

Peace.

A retraction

2010-04-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we can be reactive in our lives instead of proactive. Definitely we can cause a negative flow in the universe when speaking or acting without thinking things through. Recently, I posted a blog about the car accident my husband was involved in with some thoughts on how I felt. In doing so, I hurt someone's feelings whom I have come to admire and respect. I was being "reactive" because I had been led to believe something that did not come to be. I want that person to know that I still admire and respect them and believe in their capabilities and so this is a public apology for the previous comments.

At The 11th Hour, a short note.

2010-03-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had times in your life when you counted on someone to do something they promised or for something to happen and at the very last minute it or they fell through? It's devastating to say the least. Really it doesn't matter what the reason may be, the end result is still the same. We are left reeling in the melee of the aftermath wondering what the hell just happened? Could I have avoided this situation? If you are anything like me, the first thing you think to yourself is I will never ask for help again but that isn't true either. It's human nature to want to share our experiences with each other and to ask for help when we feel vulnerable. It makes us feel badly when those things don't seem as important to others. It has a way of invalidating us. The trick is to not take it personally.

We recently have had a very bad experience in that we had a lawyer standing up for us,( you can't help but think of him like a big brother and he is protecting you from the gang) and we were about to go to court when he told us that we won't likely win and should accept the piddly offer we got from the insurance company. His attitude was that we should be thankful to be getting anything at all. Never mind that the bitch that hit my husband got a hangnail and settled with the same insurance company. So what does this mean for us? It means that the physio we wanted will happen but at great expense and worry. It means that we will have to be dependant on the government for his care because whether we have money or not, this has hurt me so much that I cannot do it anymore on a permanent basis. I don't mind on the weekends but not all the time. It means that I am going to have to either go to school or try to find work again. I was let go from my last employment due to the stress of this situation and now that is against me. Besides, it also means that I also have no life anymore. If I want to be part of a choir, I have to arrange special care times which I cannot pay for. I am very frustrated but more that anything I am terribly dissappointed in someone I had come to respect and admire. We felt safe in his hands and he has proven to also have feet of clay (from the bible).

We will recover from this, and the good thing about it all is that it is finally over and hopefully we can get on with our lives, whatever that means. Planning and careful thinking is what is going to help us now. We are house hunting in a suburb that we love so are keeping our fingers crossed that God will smile on us and help us to find our settled home.

Peace

Attitude of Gratitude

2010-02-16T22:02:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here thinking about so many things that have happened over the last few years. It seems like I have needed to catch up on lessons in my life. I'm hoping I have passed but of course I am not privy to the grading system. Do you suppose God sits at his desk with his pen in hand watching you live your life and making marks as you fall from Grace or doing something wonderful that He approves of whole heartedly? Sometimes I have felt like I heard the clicking of a tongue as I make a faux pas or a spectacular blunder while hurting someone's feelings. I also have felt the touch of an approving Father as I have comforted someone in their greatest distress, held a hand or just loved a person when I could do nothing else.

I have grown so much since the accident that changed mine and my husband's life and I am thankful for that. It's when you think you can't go any further that you find that last little bit of strength to go on. What a blessing it is because you realize that you could go even further than that. We don't know the resources available to us unless we are pushed to find out. Recently I had to say goodbye to my dear sweet friend, Kerli. She was a beautiful Rotweillor/Shepherd cross who came to us when she was only 8 weeks old. She was with us for 7 wonderful, fun filled years until cancer took her and she crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I miss her desperately but when it was time to let her go, I went with her and stayed with her while the vet gave her the shot. I could only thank her for the strength and courage she showed me through my terrible time and I was honored to do the same for her. She knew she had our love and she certainly loved us. An animals love is like Gods love. Totally unconditional. No strings. Without the need for reciprocation. They give it freely.

When I woke up on the first day of this year, 2010, I had a feeling of excitement. Like things were going to start to go right again. Old business was taken care of and new business was on the way. Positive changes were coming and all we had to do was be receptive of them. I smiled and said "We have arrived!" I still feel that way. It's like the path has been cleared and it's not so rocky anymore. Certainly we still have some struggles but nothing like before and the outcome is going to be wonderful. I am moving forward with anticipation, not fear. I am strong and vibrant and happy. What a glorious feeling and I'm glad to be alive. I have always been a positive person and thankfully it has helped me to carry on. I hope I can help others to see the power in the postive thought and that it can be a wonderful tool. I actually want to be a motivational speaker and I believe that my way of looking at life will help me greatly in this endeavour.

Always be thankful, even for the trials. They make us grow. Keep a Joy Journal of 5 things that made you happy today. Do this every day!! It's amazing how difficult it is to be sad or angry when you're finding things to be grateful for. Keep smiling! Not only does it make you feel better but it keeps your enemies wondering what the hell you're up to. Never lose your spark. Remember, we are light bearers to the darkness so let your light shine.

Family Love

2010-01-31T23:06:00.000-08:00

I want to start by telling you a funny story about my mother. It's sad to say that she developed a real taste for white rum and coke plus her age made her someone who would test a friendship in a way most inappropriate. Let me explain....

We had new neighbours move in next door who were a young couple with kids. They were very sweet and they gravitated to my mother. Everything was great, we all were getting along just fine until one afternoon when I was at school. I came home and all the way down the hall, ( we lived in a 4 plex) I could hear the record player going crooning out something by Nat King Cole. I entered to see my mother and Frank from next door talking and laughing over a tumbler, that's right a tumbler full of white rum, darkened only slightly by some cola in the kitchen. Someone had told a rather off colour joke and they were laughing uproariously together. I continued on to my room knowing that this evening was going to be challenging to say the least and I might as well get my homework done now, because I wouldn't get a chance later. From my bedroom, I could hear them giggling and pouring, and just generally having a good time when suddenly the tone changed. I didn't know why but I started feeling very uneasy.

Next thing I knew, there was a knock at my bedroom door. I answered and it was Frank looking a little pale but strangely peeved. He said "Your Mom is sick I think". We went into the living room where my mother was laying on the floor in what was supposed to be a dead faint. In the most chivalrous and drunken way he could manage, Frank swooped her up in his arms, (her favourite thing) and carried her into her bedroom. He layed her gently on her bed and proceeded to pat her hands trying to bring her around. It was no good. She seemed to be too gone to wake up. All of a sudden he got a sparkle in his eye and called me to the bedroom. "I have to help your poor Mom", he cried, "I only know of one thing that will help her now!" "What is that?" I asked. "I have to bleed her! It's the only way! Go and get me a really sharp knife!" He looked at me almost grinning and I got it! I knew he was calling her bluff so I said in my most sincere, scared voice "Alright, if you think that is what you have to do." "Hurry", he said, " We shouldn't lose any time." I ran down the hallway and rustled through the kitchen drawer as loudly as I could to get the knife. After selecting what I thought was dull enough that he would have to rub her arms to make them bleed, I ran back and said "Here you go!" Well folks, I must tell you that I beheld a miracle on that day of days. The Lord was working in my mother's bedroom because when I got back, her eyes were open and she was struggling to sit up. Oh, so weak, but awake praise the Lord. After she shot me several dark looks she said, breathlessly, "I'm alright. I don't know what came over me." Frank stifled a chuckle knowing full well that it all was a test to see if he cared or not.

As I look back, it actually makes me quite sad that she seemed to have to do the Southern Belle, femme fatale in order to get the attention that she seemed to desire. It wasn't enough that they were drinking and partying. I guess the problem was that she wanted to test him. I had seen her do it before many times so it was only a day in the life for me, but I think she succeeded to actually scare him at first. Most other people would not know how to deal with it, and usually they would try to get her to go to the doctor but then she could be the Martyr and say oh no it was okay. She would always say, I can hear you, I just can't react. It's very frightening.

I laughed many times over this one however because this man called her bluff beautifully and scared her back to health. I wonder if she ever thought to herself that she had come very close to giving blood and it wasn't to the Red Cross.

Peace!

The Saga of Cupid by Gary Phillip Kerr

2009-12-11T19:02:00.000-08:00

Here is the second installment of Gary's writing. Unfortunately, these are the only surviving pieces that I am aware of. I am so honoured that he thought so well of me to give me these two. He really poured himself into them and was proud of them. As he should be. Thank you for your indulgence and I sincerely hope you find as much pleasure in his writing as I do.

The Saga of Cupid

The webs of gossamer spun from the moon,

Strengthened the starlight above,

Brought down to Earth by the morning dew,

Have woven their mystic spell of Love.

No-one can escape the enchantment so new,

And old as the Earth itself.

No-one alive is immune to its spell,

Mot even the Weaver himself.

Herein lies the tale of Cupid.

The immortal God of Love.

And how through the schemings of a Woman,

Was himself caught in the Web of Love.

Aphrodite was the woman's name,

And she was am immortal Goddess

She looked as every woman longs to,

and was adept in the arts of a Temptress.

The fair Aphrodite was smitten by Cupid,

Upon no other would she rest her eyes;

But Cupid had sworn never to marry,

So Aphrodite sought the counsel of one of the Wise.

Straight to Diana, the Huntress she went,

And asked how she might ensnare her prey.

Diana thought long and hard upon this,

And finally thought she had devised a way.

Go into his Potions of Love she said

For the God to this can fall prey

Put it into his mead when he's unaware,

and he will fall for the first one who looks his way.

Now all of the Gods thought this a fantastic joke,

For Cupid had sworn to remain fancy free

So they gathered together an enormous banquet,

To see just what would be.

The potion administered in his mead,

Aphrodite was ready to ensnare her prey

But just as Cupid took his first long drink,

Diana happened to look his way!

And so Aphrodite was rejected once more,

And the Huntress was caught in her own snare

For once administered, there was no cure,

And this situation Diana could not bear!

For she like Cupid had sworn to remain single

and so began an endless quest

Where she went Cupid would follow,

For him there was to be no rest.

GPK

"The Council" by Gary Phillip Kerr

2009-12-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

I write this today to honour my friend Gary Kerr, who after a very long struggle with his identity, took his own life. I am saddened by the fact that at the time, being Gay was a huge stigma that many could not get past. It was Gary who explained to me what being Gay meant. This was 1968 and I was 15 and shocked but I loved Gary as a dear forever friend so accepted his lifestyle as a part of him. Following I will print one of his beautiful pieces that he wrote with love. I'll publish the second at another time. This first will whet your whistle to want more. I hope Gary, wherever you are now that you are happy, strong, and know that you are well loved in this world and the next.

THE COUNCIL

The Old Gods had gathered together again,

They gathered to debate a serious case.

Should they allow Earth to continue on as it was?

Or should they exterminate the human race?

With Zeus as the judge the trial began,

And he asked who was going to defend.

Young Mercury rose up to his feet at once,

And swore he would defend the Earth to the end.

Mars then arose and begged of Zeus

To allow him to prosecute.

He enjoyed the things Earth did he said,

But this was one duty he wished to execute.

And so the battle began above,

With Earth, perhaps mercifully, all unaware.

Mars brought all of his skills to play,

As he laid all of mankind's faults bare.

"Look at the history of bigotry they have!

And see how they persecute their own kind!

See how the rich mistreat others less fortunate

And how they don't honor treaties they sign!

Look at the rich history of prejudice they have

and the prejudice is far from dead today

These damning faults Mars pounded at skillfully,

Then Mercury arose to have his say.

But Mercury said not a word to them.

Instead he directed their gaze to the planet below.

To a city called New York in the U.S.A.,

To a certain event happening far below.

A tenement building was all ablaze

And a young Negro child was trapped within.

Suddenly a young man broke free of the crowd,

And without hesitation, plunged right in.

Guided by the child's screams he ran,

Through heat that seemed to lick up from Hell.

Into the room that the child was trapped in,

And as they escaped the whole building fell.

Into the arms of his frantic Mother

Whose thanks she could only cry

To the young white man who had so bravely saved

Her child who had so nearly died.

Mercury looked at Zeus quite calmly

And simply said, "I rest my case"

Zeus smiled fondly at the youthful God

For Mercury had saved the human race.

GPK

Peace!

My girl, Kerli

2009-11-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

KERLI PERSALL

MAY 11,2002 - NOVEMBER 28,2009

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

8 weeks old. Chubby and lethargic. A little slow because she was tired at that time of evening but when we saw her, we knew she was the one. There was something so sweet and tender about those big beautiful eyes. We paid our money, signed the documents, agreed to a vet visit and a spaying and drove home. Wayne held her in his arms while I drove. We had gone to Abbotsford Petsmart to pick her up. She was so cute and smelled like a puppy. Sort of a pablum and kennel kind of smell. She just snuggled into him and quietly took the ride home. I noticed that she had a curl on the end of her tail and said to Wayne, what shall we name her? He said I don't know, you pick. I remembered being fascinated with Kerlian photography at one time, ( they supposedly could take a picture of your aura) and the curl in her tail amused me so I suggested Kerli. The name stuck and she has the most loving and nuturing nature of any dog I have ever seen.

She was born on a farm on May the 11th, 2002. I have to admit that it has been so much fun training her, walking with her, playing with her. She has been a gigantic part of our little family. On October 25, 2009 she was in pain and having difficulty breathing. I went to give her one of my special hugs and felt underneath her jaw line and found two extremely swollen glands. They were as big as my fists. Her eyes were red and she looked very tired. I got her to the vet right away and his examination revealed that it could very possibly be lymphosarcoma. He prescribed antibiotics as well as gave her a shot to get her started. He also gave her a shot of steroids to take the swelling down fast. By the evening time, she was visibly better and even felt like playing a little. I went out in the afternoon and bought all kinds of stuff that is supposed to boost the immune system and made up special dog food for her. My friend who does Reiki has been working with her, not to heal but to ease. It's pretty well clear that she is on her way out but I want her not to suffer on the way.

I got the phone call that evening confirming our worst fears that she definitely had cancer. My heart broke because of course I always hope for the best in all things and I kept thinking happy thoughts for her. If I just believed hard enough I could make it go away.

I have come to know that animals have a very special place and job when it comes to humans. They come here to teach and once the lesson is accomplished they can leave if they choose. Kerli has taught us about unconditional love, happiness in companionship, and best of all, how to play!! She was extremely supportive when Wayne was first in the hospital, never leaving my side. Especially when at night I would weep myself to sleep. She and my two kitties would surround me and love me to bits, giving me all the love and support they could. The best thing she taught me though was how to be a good Pet Partner. I don't believe that we really own anything. We had classes in puppy training where they teach you how to be with your pet. Being the alpha because there are times when they need to pay strict attention to you in the worst moments. It can mean their life. A favorite memory I have was one time when we were playing catch in the house, she was running and went to turn and hurt her leg. She yelped out and immediately came to me for comfort. I treated her just like a little kid, found the spot that hurt and rubbed it and kissed it better. Then I hugged her and smiled a big smile and said "all better!" She licked me all over my face. I felt so honoured to be trusted like that.

I learned mutual respect for my animal and she was really very motherly to me, to Wayne and to her little sister kitties. Kerli has been and forever will be an integral part of our family and although I will miss her worse than anything, I will always be so very grateful to have had her love in our lives. So I will not say goodbye but til we meet again. She knew she was so very loved and loved us back. I know she will be there for each of us when it's time for us to pass.

Peace.

Acceptance

2009-11-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

If like me, you have never seen the whole prayer, I hope this touches you as it has touched me. Almost everybody knows part of it, and it often is said as a Mantra but to hear the whole thing made me tingle and I felt a feeling of compassion washing over me. I have been very emotional and angry over the last few weeks for various reasons and It seems that I have come to a crossroads. These are times when you need to remain calm to deliberate your decisions because sometimes you don't think clearly and then reap the consequences. I have had enough of that kind of reaping to last a life time and would like to just sail easily along, floating on my little no worries dinghy. Lapping up the sunshine, feeling the breezes blowing over me......Yeah! right. Life isn't like that and we all know it, however the distinction is in how you deal with your plight or pleasure. I choose to be positive about all of it. The point is that things are going to happen and the theory is that you have brought the circumstances to yourself to provide you with an arena in which to learn the lesson you are seeking. Well, I do believe that but I also think that the message is in how other people see us take care of our business. After all, aren't we also learning from each other? If I see you do something far easier than I do, you can bet that I will emulate you.

I know for a fact that it is easier to deal with conflict when you are calm yourself. Not only that but it is amazing what a little silence will do. Next time you are in a situation where you're having a slightly heated discourse or tension filled moment, be silent for a bit. The other party will rush to fill the void because human beings get really uncomfortable when someone isn't talking. Thereby giving you control. (and time to think) Stay relaxed and get to the goal with less sweat and surprisingly, with more confidence. It helps you to keep your perspective.

I love listening to the wind in the trees even when it is a bit strong. I feel very calm when I hear it especially when I can hear my chimes as well. It's kind of a zen moment. I can so relate to another blog I read recently on this subject. I too am grateful for many things and the best being the wonderful people and pets I have in my life. Love is love. There are so many ways to share it. Following please read a prayer I was given by my husband to carry in my purse with me to start my day. It gives me peace and a knowing that no matter what you may call it...God, Yahweh, Spirit, Source, or Universe. It really is all the same thing and we all are trying to accomplish that common goal. Thank you to all those who read my blogs faithfully. I so appreciate you in ways I can't tell you but knowing you are there, watching is very comforting.

Peace.

Good Morning Lord

You are ushering in another day

untouched and freshly new,

so here I come to ask You God

if You'll renew me too?

Fogive the many errors, that

I made yesterday, and let me try

again dear God, to walk closer

in Thy way.

But Father I am well aware

I can't make it on my own.

So take my hand and hold it tight

for I can't walk alone.

Kristone

Lovely Blog Award

2009-11-19T22:56:00.000-08:00

Wow! I am so excited to receive and to accept a "Lovely Blog Award" I love writing and it is due to my friend Gary that I even started one. I had been reading his for a while and after he suggested I might try it, I decided what the heck it might be fun. Well it has been far more than fun. It has been cathartic and extremely helpful in that I have been able to really speak of things in my heart. And the neat thing is that people are reading me and enjoying it. So thank you God, in all things you are present. Thank you Gary I shall weat this with pride and honour. I have read many wonderful blogs on this site and I agree that it is a difficult item to decide on one person to pass this award on to but I will pass it on to Dixie who I see improving and coming farther every day. She has a wonderful spirit and a hunger for peace. Wear it well Dixie, I enjoy you. http://dcrelief.blogspot.com/

Here and Now

2009-11-09T22:58:00.000-08:00

It's always an amazing thing to realize just how much we really have to be grateful for. The expression "Don't sweat the small stuff" rings through my ears when faced with yet another example of incompetency that we should just accept and go on. In our situation, accepting things may be okay for me, but in my husbands case, if it's wrong, he gets to suffer for a minimun of 14 hours before it can be made right. And then people have attitude if you correct them. I have decided that if I ever get the chance to train any of these folks, the first class would be a rough one for them because they would be forced to sit on their hands for no less than 30 minutes. During my talk, I would be introducing material pertinent to them passing their course and critical that they remember it for their tests. As soon as the thirty minutes was up, I would be erasing the information. Cruel? I hardly think so. They can go back to functioning normally. If they have an itch, they will be able to scratch it then. A paralyzed person cannot scratch, rub or even tickle his nose but nature still will make it itch. A fly will still land and look over the area. And when people tell that person that they need to remember something important for later, the panic that comes with that is phenominal. After all, I can't call my secretary to make sure these things are written down. What if I remember it wrong? Or even better, I can't dial the phone. Then what?

I remember speaking on the phone with my husband one time in the hospital. They propped a phone by his ear so that we could chat and while we were talking, he asked a nurse if he could have a drink please. She said she would but that she was very busy and couldn't do it now. She would have to come back in ten minutes. I got furious over that. The time she took to explain why she couldn't give him a sip was more that it would have taken to give him a drink. In the meantime, he has to lay there and be patient and wait. Oh, and let's not forget how at the time the doctors are constantly reminding him that he needs to be drinking more liquids. An incident that springs to mind in my frustration is when a nurse didn't like my husband. He sensed it and let her know it. This was at lunch time. Her way of getting revenge was to let his lunch tray sit nearby with the tantalizing smells teasing him, while she went and did something else. I got there at 2:30 and it was still sitting there. You can imagine what nice things I had to say about this behaviour. Every one is allowed to disagree but torture is not allowed.

It begs the question as to the "quality" of care. It was suggested to me one time that since I will be going back to school, that I should take the course to be a care aide. I vehemently said no way. First it's not my cup of tea. Second I see so much incompetence now, it would just frustrate me more. Third they already use me. No thanks. You couldn't possibly pay me enough. Most of their jobs are taking care of seniors with dementia or who are unable to do menial tasks such as vacuum or shop for themselves. Rarely is it life threatening. We had one guy who was so stupid, that when my husband became delirious due to infection, he didn't recognize the symptoms and did not phone me at work to let me know of the emergency situation. Instead he waited until I came home to tell me that my husband had been unresponsive and slept all day plus would not talk to him or take his medicines. Well, duh!! Maybe he was slipping away before your very eyes you dumb *******!!!! I was furious. To top it off, he had to be retrained almost every day. He wouldn't or couldn't pay attention and the company wouldn't do anything about it. Plus my husband felt like a hostage because he thought they all were like that and didn't want to go through a new person. It just boggle s the mind and what they charge is unreal!! Not only that but they have attitude if you complain.

I thank God every day that I have this positive side of my nature. Frankly, if I didn't I don't know how I would get through a day. He is always by me and I lean on Him a lot.

Peace!

Attitude of Gratitude

2009-11-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

So often we go through life just accepting things as they are simply because they have shown up at the right time or been there for us to use. Thinking about them is not in our nature because we are so busy doing so many other too important things. I have said before that it's the little tiny voice in the quiet that we must listen to rather than the big booming bravado that some will put out. Life is a long succession of little things adding up to bigger things.

I love that my dog looks at me like I am some kind of Goddess. Who am I to tell her that I have feet of clay? (Actually I really think she knows that but looks at me like that anyway.) I am so grateful for the wonderful people in my life. The ones who help and yes even the ones who don't help. I really appreciate and love my daughter. She has grown into a wonderful young woman and a terrific Mom. There are those who could follow her example and not go very far wrong. I love and appreciate my son in law who tries his very best to provide for his little family and is head over heels in love with my girl. But even on a smaller scale. I appreciate getting the parking spot next to the door on occasion. I appreciate my kitties who have a wicked sense of humour and constantly entertain me. Many a gut laugh is because of them. My neighbours must think I do nothing but laugh.

I have been doing some great reading lately and am enriched because of it. I have also been watching some inspirational videos by Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer, respectively, and getting so much out of them. All lessons I have learned already but it doesn't hurt to reinforce your mind set. Especially when you are surrounded by stress. I appreciate my Reiki master who attuned me the other day for the first time. That was quite the experience and my message was "Let go". Pretty clear and definitely something I needed to hear. Funny how you know these things in your heart but it takes something extraneous to get you to pay attention. I am grateful that my car is still under warrantee and the other day when it wouldn't start yet again, it got towed for free to the dealership and they replaced the battery also free of charge. Pardon the pun! I must say though that something I thank God for every single day is an item that was left in the laundry room free for anyone who could use it. I picked it up and thought, wow this is the perfect item. What is it? It is a bumper pad that goes around the perimeter of a crib so that a baby can't hurt themselves against the bars of the crib. Well, spinal cord injuries cause a person to sometimes move a great deal in the bed and my husband sleeps in a hospital bed with the sides up at night so I put the bumper pad on the rails so that he can't hurt himself if he has a rough night. Thank you whomever put it there. It has been put to incredibly good use.

Peace!

Times they are achangin' !

2009-10-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

Listen! Can you hear it? Do you feel the little hairs on the back of your neck raising? Are you antsy but don't know why? If you give it just a moments thought, are you anticipating something? If you feel any of those things, you would have to be right. I mean that you need to be more aware of what your gut is telling you. That feeling that something is coming and that it is just around the corner. We have been hearing about this for so many years now but really it is just about here.

There is a movie coming out that is called 2012 and it is full of cataclysmic events meant to scare the sh*t out of you. The impending doom theory that has been hanging around since the Mayans made their lovely calendar. People have been told that the calendar finishes in 2012 because the Earth is going to cease to exist or blow up or some such thing. Here's a theory. How about they got to 2012 and decided to heck with this! I don't feel like filling any more years. Perhaps they figured we would know how up to that point and carry on ourselves. Oooo what a concept. To think we could be independent of the ancients. Actually that's another blog come to think of it.

One thing I know for certain in my gut and in my soul. There is a change coming and it is momentous. However I believe it is a change in conciousness. A great awakening as it were. Not everyone will get it but there will be enough sages to help guide those who are slow to arrive. and thank goodness for that. It will be pandemonium anyway so could you imagine if everybody woke up all at the same time? What kind of rioting would take place? Am I off base? Maybe. It's like going along believing someone is your to the end friend and then suddenly realizing that you have been fooled all along. It's human nature to want to lash out at someone like that. Now take it on a planetary scale. Oy vay!! What a mess. Perhaps it won't be like that. Maybe we'll just open our eyes and start living differently. Naw, I don't believe that either. Humans are just too basic. Don't get me wrong. I'm the first one to say that there is a pony in the room full of pony poo but I am also realistic enough to know that sometimes, the pony has left the room. (I would keep digging anyway because it's my nature)

All I know for certain is that if you are smiling, it is difficult to be mad. Let's put on some smiles and see what others do in response. You never know, you could end up laughing!! Laughter is so very healing and like a ripple in a pond, it spreads.

Peace!

Nature or Nurture

2009-10-10T22:41:00.000-07:00

I have a favourite story that I want to share with you in order to present my opinion about whether a person can change their ways or not. Here goes...

A scorpion needed to get across the river but of course was unable to swim. He pondered his situation when he happened to see a frog about to jump in. "Wait", he cried, "take me on your back across the river." The frog, keeping his distance said "I can't take you across the river. If I let you on my back, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion said "I really need to cross the river. Please, if you will let me on your back, I promise I will not sting you." The frog thought about this and warily allowed the scorpion on his back. As they approached the middle of the river, the frog experienced a terrible pain which could only be the scorpion stinging him. "Why did you break your promise and sting me," he cried, "now we will both die!" The scorpion said "I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself, it's my nature!"

One might ponder and believe that this little creature was devious in his actions and yet innocent in his intentions. After all, didn't he want to cross the river? Wasn't it critically important to him to get to the other side? And yet, he couldn't help himself and before he knew it, he had sealed the fate of the frog and of himself, leaving them both to suffer the consequences of his actions.

So, what does this mean in a real situation? Are we to believe that human beings can't change their nature? That whatever they do can be blamed on their environment or their upbringing? Or is it just a convenient excuse to justify poor thinking and bad judgement? This is extreme but I am tired of hearing how child abusers justify their activies by blaming their upbringing. They claim to have been beaten, emotionally abused, sexually abused, and belittled by their parents. Well, guess what? I know of others who endured the same kinds of treatment and they didn't grow up beating their children or worse! In fact, some have grown up to be strong, positive individuals who strive to lead by example.

If we want our world to be a better place , the way to start is to love each other and take care of our planet. Forget blaming your behaviour on anything but yourself. Whatever your upbringing, you still made the decision to act the way you did. Own it, take responsibility for it and make amends. If you read the Bible, it tells you that " only the truth will set you free". What that means is that if you lie, you tie the act to yourself and you can't get rid of it until you confess that it's yours. Then you have to make amends for it. Wouldn't it be better in a perfect world, that you didn't do the act in the first place? And in fact in a really perfect world, you wouldn't even have thought of it! None of us is perfect and frankly there wouldn't be very much to get excited about if we were all the same. Our differences are what make us interesting. Humans are curious and it is fun to learn new things. Our behaviours don't have to be detrimental to others or to ourselves. Let's be different in constructive ways. Let's keep positive and spread healthy thinking to each other. More importantly, let's teach our children that they are strong positive people who are respected and loved and valued. They are our future and the future of our planet. Let's help them be good stewards of our precious home.

Peace!!

Be careful what you wish for!

2009-09-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard that expression only to realize that you have been doing exactly what you have been told not to. What does that one mean? As I understand it, it means that if you walk around saying things like I wish I was different, and then when you fall and break your leg, now successfully changing the way you were, you are surprised and ask why me? My favourite hero, Einstein, said that if you believe yourself to be a fool or a genius, either way, you're right! It's truly the power of the mind. Scientists are studying the dynamics of our brain power and are constantly perplexed and surprised at what can be accomplished by the very thought process.

What I mean to say is, when you want to have something delivered to you by the universe, it likely is a good idea to be sure and firm on what it is you want. For years, I wished I could find someone to love. All kinds of pets that needed my love came to me for help. I loved them all but that was not what I was looking for. It took so long for me to finally get it that I wasn't being specific. If you are vague then what you get is a guess. I prayed for years that God would send me someone to love. All kinds of strays appeared at my door. But it was not until I figured out that if you are baking something, you usually need a recipe of some sort to use to shop for the ingredients. Life appears to be the same way. Once I learned how to use the law of attraction ( I am still a student) I brought my husband to me, I brought my job to me and so many other things in my life, including going back to school. It now appears that I will definitely be going back and will be able to continue my education in a profession that will make me happy to get up in the morning.

It stands to reason if we can do that on a personal level then of course we could do it on a much larger scale. Why not the city where we live, the country or better yet the World and by extension the Universe? We are only limited by our beliefs. Why not open up that thought process to include the "Heavens"? I am sure that most of us desire to live well, peacefully cohabiting with all our brothers, and to be happy, healthy, and wanting for nothing. We can always influence our surroundings to produce that atmosphere. If you are truly one of the enlightened beings on our planet, there is an opportunity to be a part of something wonderful. Never let a golden opportunity pass you by. I always say you should never have regrets. Or a more condensed form would be shoulda, coulda, woulda. Not the mantra for my life or yours either, especially when we really can have an active part in the flow.

It seems everyone is talking about going green these days and I for one support the whole concept. I sincerely hope that enough pressure can be put on the politicians to make sure that changes are not only possible but inevitable! On our part, we can make sure we take an active part in the changes coming. Don't just sit there and let your neighbour do it all. You need to be there too. We all have gotten so spoiled and conditioned to our perceived conveniences. I say perceived because recently I have begun to make my own butter instead of buying it premade at the grocery store. For many years, I was convinced that making butter must be difficult and costly and I should be thankful that someone who knew better than me was making it for me to purchase. PSHAW!!! It is so easy it's ridiculous, and not only that but it is cheaper and much healthier than buying it. You can google how to do it. I did! I figured out that most likely there are a lot of things that will probably be simple and easy to make and I don't need to be trusting what someone else puts in my food. Strike out and find ways to be healthier especially now that we are getting older and the cities are getting much more congested with population.

We hope to build a wellness center to retire to. It will be available for people to come for a retreat, investigate wellness theories, and just to enjoy cool, crisp, fresh air. What a wonderful thought. MMMMMMMMMMMMM sweet air. It will be so terrific to wake up to hear the birds sing. I'm not interested in the sounds of traffic or the rush of the city. Here's to winning a lottery to achieve our dream. In the meantime, let's all positively love our planet and take care of her. It would be a terrible waste if we don't ! Please take a look at the Fire The Grid link above. You may find some very intriguing and surprising information there.

Peace.

# 9 Death Watch

2009-08-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when people start really getting up there in years, they decide that it's time to divvy up the spoils? My Aunt who is a lovely lady and has been inspirational most of my life is now 82 years of age. She has trouble with her back and as a result is unable to walk very far without the assistance of a walker. She doesn't complain much about pain and tries her best to carry on life as usual. Lately though, she has been taking "inventory" of her belongings and discharging where they ought to go, as well as giving people their choice of items if she can't think of what to give them. Ordinarily I would find this annoying although slightly amusing, however I fail to see the humour in this since my mother did this a short time before she died. A very dear friend who died of cancer, actually did the same thing and informed me what I would be getting when she passed. My uncle died this year after a long struggle with Alzheimers and is sadly missed by all. Aunty took care of him for two years when he was first diagnosed but unfortunately had to put him in a full care facility because she could no longer do it. Most people don't realize what it takes to take care of another adult human being but I do and so completely understand her situation. She is missing him terribly now because he is really gone and she can't communicate with him. I wonder if this is what is making her feel her mortality or is she getting hints from the universe that she ought to take care of her things soon. I must admit the whole thing is disturbing to say the least.

I have seen this behavior in others before and at the time I just put it down to a morbid attitude and dismissed it. I have never felt anyone was in this world to leave me anything and frankly I don't really want anything. I have had some wonderful times with people that have left lasting impressions in my memory and my heart. These folks have caused me to laugh so hard that my glasses wouldn't fit as well as cry at times both for them and because of them. I am an emotional being and when I love, it is forever whether I call you my family or my friends. It disturbs me to see someone getting "ready". I suppose we should be prepared at all times but I never was any good at being a Boy Scout. My mother told me that all she could leave me was her smile to which I said " Oh, are you leaving me your teeth?" She didn't appreciate the humour or the sentiment but I was trying to tell her that I didn't want to know. I had often told her that I didn't feel that a persons life was validated by what they left to people. Rather it is by what is remembered by people of your existence. Did you count? Did you show someone unconditional love? How about that wonderful random act of kindness that didn't cost a cent? I believe the expression is "The measure of a life is not by how much you loved, but by how much you are loved by others." I certainly hope that I have left an indelible mark on hearts that have come in contact with me and that I will be remembered with a smile, a chuckle, and a kind regard.

By the way, I took the pots and pans.

Peace!

#8, The Best of the Best

2009-07-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

I often like to think about what the best is around me. We have a tendency to see the worst always and media, plus preconceived notions help us do that admirably. I prefer to see the best in everything. No that is not unrealistic. I can accept that sometimes we don't get the happy ending. But I know for certain out of terrible things can come some very positive outcomes. The first thing has to be perception. Don't always see it as bad or that it has been done to you. See it as an opportunity to grow or to change directions. Often times we don't realize that something is a good thing until after the fact. I think that is what is meant by faith. Going with the flow instead of trying to manipulate everything to our own way is likely going to cause less stress. I am up for that and am willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

I take particular pleasure in the small things like a reassuring smile or the kick I get out of doing something like running a hot wash cloth over Wayne's face when it is so hot out. It makes him feel just a little bit cooler and really I can't do a lot to make him feel better so that is my small contribution. When I am in the kitchen putting the kettle on for coffee, I will ask him if he wants something. It's sharing and being included. Because of the situation I could make him feel as though he is a bother ( I'm sure I have at least once) but instead it is so much nicer for both of us if we just accept it is the way it is and make the best of it. I used to love it when he would bring flowers home for me. It was something he rarely did so it was very special. But things like taking out the garbage and helping with the dishes after dinner or even helping with the house work when we had company coming. Those were wonderful!!

If I am feeling down, he offers me a hug which at one time he was not able to do. When the accident first happened, he couldn't even handle anyone standing close for very long because all his nerves were so heightened and in pain. I would touch his arm and he would whimper. He tried to be brave but it was tough and I had to try to remember not to just reach out. I had to think first and then ask if it was okay. But above all and beyond anything that words can describe, the very best hug of all came from him while in his hospital bed, completely paralyzed and unable to even move his little finger. I was stroking his face when he grabbed my finger and squeezed it with his gums ( his dentures were out). We both wept.

Gratitude for all things!!

2009-06-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

I was feeling a little reflective today thinking about all the people in my life who have been there for me at one time or another and how I loved them and appreciated them. It always seems a little sappy to be thinking about how things could have been worse if not for ( you fill in the blank) but really we should be taking the time to be positive and understanding those things in our lives happen because ultimately they enrich us. No one can be a part of this life or this planet and not have some accountability for their actions, whether good, bad or indifferent. on the other side of that coin, you need to acknowledge others for their deeds as well.

When the accident first happened, someone in my life who had claimed to be my very best friend ( of 35 years ) abandoned me. This was not the first time she had done that but it was the very worst time. Today I thank her because it put me in a place to be able to meet and befriend the lady who now truly is my very best friend. I may not have met her had I had the help from the first person. The story doesn't start there though.

When I was barely 20 tender years old I met Claire Simpson through my soon to be husband. We spent many a night playing crib, poker, games etc. She loved me and I loved her like a second Mom. When I was 8 months pregnant, I had to move because my then husband proved to be somewhat irresponsible at paying rent. She helped me pack and then when I was moving into the new place she helped me unpack. It worked out well because she was short so I did the tall stuff and she put away the things down below because I really couldn't bend. I lost her to cancer 10 years ago but miss her still today.

My mother had so many issues it is hard to count. She was a battered child and later a battered wife. She could not calm down at any time and so drove us nuts while we ( my brother and I) were trying to do the business of growing up somewhat normal. It got so bad the doctor put me on Librium when I was 11 years old. Why am I thanking her? She had a spine of steel and taught me that frontier kind of attitude when it came to life. She would not let anything defeat her. She was a very powerful woman and had a great deal of wisdom to share. The way she taught me was with sayings. If you fly with the crows you'll get shot at. You can always stoop to pick up nothing, you have to reach for the better thngs in life. And a million other gems. I decided that my children would not live the way I did and to this day I am proud that they didn't. I have passed on the sayings though. They were just too good not to. :)

The choir members and my church family have been so wonderul since Wayne's accident. I could always call and talk when I needed to. They rallied together and called me to keep current. I had to move from the 5 bedroom, 2 level house to a 3 bedroom single level apartment. I packed in 3 1/2 weeks with a bit of help here and there but when it was time to actually move, I announced at church that it was going on and that if there was any one available to lend a hand for an hour or two I would be most grateful. On moving day, 14 people showed up. All smiling and laughing and ready to rock and roll. I was out of the house and into the apartment in 4 1/2 hours. All I had to do that day was go and buy lunch and set it out. I got them to put all the boxes in one room and I sorted them out that way. It's the best move I ever had.

My daughter has proven to be a wonderful young woman and Mommy. Having a baby makes you realize so much about why your Mom did some of the things she did when you were little. I knew that I could drop in for tea on my way home from the hospital if I wanted to. I didn't very often because I was suffering from exhaustion but just knowing I could meant a lot!

Comes down to it, I have many people to be thankful for in my life and it would take volumes to do that here. My main point is that although we all have times where we feel alone and it seems like we have nowhere to turn, if we just take a long quiet breath and honestly look around there is support somewhere. Love comes in so many forms and we often ignore what isn't blatantly obvious. I love the concept of random acts of kindness! You don't have to do something gigantic, just something nice. Hold a door open for someone. Let someone else go first. Buy someone a coffee for no reason. Anything, just get involved. You will be amazed at how good it makes you feel.

Hard to write

2009-06-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

I sit here thinking about so many things I would l ike to say. It's like having a conversation and three sentences want to crowd out all at once so you regurgitate some gibberish, look foolish and try again. My heart is so full of love and yet at the same time I feel so angry, useless, and tongue tied to really tell the story of it all. Do I want to continue to fill in more details about the accident? No I don't think so for two reasons. 1) we will write a book about it and so fill in the details then. 2) It is ever present in all our thoughts, all our deeds, even every breath is surrounded by all of this. It's not like a nightmare where you can wake up from it and say oh thank God, I'm awake. It never, ever goes away. We used to be able to just go and visit friends for dinner and enjoy their company. Now everything has to be planned out. Where will we meet? Can we get the wheelchair in the door? Do they have a ramp? Is inside spacious enough so that the chair won't rearrange the corners? Something we really loved was being able to be spontaneous. That doesn't exist for us anymore. Even just getting in or out of bed now takes a minimum of 30 minutes to get him ready. One thing for sure is that he has had to learn to be extremely patient. You just can't hurry some things. And getting upset doesn't do anything but make it worse.

It would be wonderful if we could take a holiday from this albatross around our necks. Hmmmm, let's see where would we go? Maui, where it is warm and beautiful by the water? Perhaps, Ireland where the fairies and leprechauns are just waiting to committ their foolishness on unsuspecting humans. Or the Alaskan cruise. I would love to do that. Or even something as whimsical as what Lucy and Ricky did on their road trip in the trailer. How wonderful to be able to do that and nnot think about all the humdrum things in life and the added bonus of being handicapped. I suppose it would be too hard to come back to that and resume, like it was a job.

On the other side of that coin I have to believe there is a purpose for all of this. I know for myself, that I have grown very much in my compassion for and understanding of limitations. I have had my own samples but nothing to compare with not being able to walk, or take care of myself. There is a huge humility attached to this occurence. The people that come here to take care of him and want only the best for him are truly special. I get mad sometimes when they seem to not think very clearly about what they are doing but for the most part I am very grateful for them and their assistance. We would be even more challenged if we didn't have them.

So what could possibly be the meaning behind this event? He needed to learn patience in a very big way however he was able to have patience when he wasn't pressured. He has come to grips with his faith which took a huge kick because he ( like many others) wanted to know where God was in all of this. His thinking has taken on a new clarity because now he has time to really absorb the information he gets. He has decided to take control back of his life which means that he will make his own appointments, take care of his own tasks that have to be remembered on a daily basis, etc. He wants to participate and not be left out any more. I think that is great, but I will still be here for back up if he needs me. After all, it has been me since the accident taking care of everything for him and for me. A big job. I must say that I am tired beyond words and that I welcome the break.

I have started feeling better enough now to actually go out and buy plants to grow and eat. I bought green peppers, green onions, and radishes. Green peppers are full of vitamin C, green onions are too but the real bonus of the radishes is that they will dissolve kidney stones. I need that a lot. In fact I want to detoxify as much as I can. Wouldn't t be wonderful to go back to a natural state? Well for the clean air anyway. I would miss electricity, gasoline, and (occasionally) fast foods! Guess we can't have it all but I know that I am one with the universe anyway and that no matter what man does to this lovely oasis we call Earth, someday it is all going to be drastically different. I just hope we're ready.

Peace!!

Don't be Fooled

2009-06-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with someone recently who made the observation that only 15% percent of the population are good people and 85% percent are the bad ones. I jumped to the defense of the good guys and told her to be very careful of the "enemy" who wants us to believe those statistics. It seems to me that it is completely opposite. There are about 15% percent of the population that are bad eggs and 85% percent are the good guys. It just seems to be the other way around because the bad guys get so much attention. You don't hear about the good deeds that are done every day on the news. It is so much more exciting to hear that someone has been shot or kidnapped etc. I won't have the TV on during our dinner time which coincides with the news. I don't need to hear all the bad news while I am trying to enjoy my dinner.

My point simply is that it is easier to convince you that something exists if I can surround you with it and keep you from seeing the truth. If everywhere you look, things are full of doom and gloom, then you eventually believe that the whole world is that way and you might as well give in and join them. Big points for the bad guys when that happens. Instead you could look for the good in people because truly it is there. How about in the smallest things you will find a little spark of goodness just waiting to be discovered. The person who goes in the door first and holds it open for you, or steps aside to let you go first. Random acts of kindness are being committed all the time but because they are not being made a big production of, sometimes they get missed. Look around you to see what you can do for someone as a gesture of love for your fellow human and next thing you know, karma will happen and all kinds of good things will come to you just because you took the time to care.

For example; you are shopping for groceries and you see an older lady who is looking perplexed and lost. You ask her if there is something you can do to help her. She tells you she is looking for the canned peas but she is in the frozen section. You a) tell her she should have someone with her to shop since she obviously doesn't know the store, b) look for a clerk to help her out because you are much too busy, c) walk away shaking your head at how silly she looks or d) take her to the aisle where the canned veggies are so that she can find her way. I would pick d of course but I know of others who would not. That's a shame because I can't help but think to myself that someday I might be in a similar situation and I would pray that there was someone who would care enough to help me.

I had a time when I was feeling very alone and sad when my husband was in the hosptal for many months as the result of a car accident. I had just come home from a visit with him and was very tired and hungry. I needed to take my dog out for a walk and was coming back in from that but with my arms full of groceries as well. It was extremely difficult to manipulate the keys for the door, turn the knob, hold on to the dogs leash, and get in the door. I dropped the leash and as luck would have it, another tenant came down the stairs to go out the door. She barked and approached the young man, which scared him. I understand that because my dog is German Shepherd, Rotweillor, Mountain Pyrenee mixed. Very large but a real lover. Okay, so the guy jumps a little to see this dog. I apologized for her scaring him and asked him for help with the door. He said f*ck no, I won't help you! Get your dog! I immediately felt hurt and angry. So many things could have been better about that incident but I knew no matter how it had come about, that guy would not have helped me anyway. There was something in his voice that told me not to go there. I called my dog and put the groceries down, got the door open and then picked everything up to do it again at my apartment door. Here is the kicker though because this is important stuff!! I FORGAVE him his inconsideration, as an act of Love for him and for me. Partly it was my fault for scaring him, and partly it was the fact that he is a selfish person. The point is that if you keep feeling badly about the incident, or mad at the participants, you chain it to yourself. I don't need any extra Karma thank you. I want to be free from my earthly bounds some day and I don't want to carry that sort of thing with me.
Be at Peace!

Never judge a book by it's cover!

2009-05-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

What is the dire need of human beings to label everything? If you are a certain weight you must have a particular attitude or if you colour your hair unusual colours you must be abberant to society. If you smoke you are shunned ( well, I actually understand that. Sorry but the smell....) If you drink too much you must be a slob. What is the need of humans to define or even be defined by a name? Why can't we just live and let live and not worry about what the other guy is doing? I'm not naieve. I know there are times when that is not a realistic way to live. After all I won't let anyone hurt Wayne if I can at all help it and I am protective of all my family but I don't judge and I don't wish to be judged. When I meet a person for the first time, I am not mentally sizing them up into certain categories. I take them at face value and accept them for who they are. What's wrong with that? I am in sales and believe me, I can know you in a matter of seconds but I don't have the right to judge. This is a true story...I was selling TV's and satellites in a small store that also carried Karaoke music and equipment. Needless to say, there were several personality types that would come in to browse and try out the products. One day, it was particularly warm, a young man came in to the store to have a look around. He looked very scruffy and untidy, long hair, dark glasses and gave the impression that he was nervous. It made me a little nervous and I looked around to see if the other girl was close by so that she could help him out. I saw her helping someone else so I decided that I would just get it over with since he most likely wasn't going to be in there long anyway. I greeted him like every one else, with a smile and a welcoming demeanour. I asked him what I could do for him. He was interested in talking about satellites ( something I had become good at selling ) so we had a nice chat about the product. He asked lots of questions and I had answers. We then turned to the subject of televisions and the same scenario applies. In the end he not only bought the satellite and hired us to install it but he also bought a nice telelvision. He spent over $1500.00 dollars. I didn't make commission just my wage but the point is that if I had gone by the first impression, I would not have made the sale and he likely would have gone somewhere else. This way, I won his loyalty by treating him well and nonjudgementally. He came back several times through out the time I worked there because we got him into Karaoke as well.
I am overweight and gray haired but don't you dare think the fire has gone out!!!

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Universal Sync

2009-05-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you were out of sync with everything? Like if you just moved a little either way, you would get back in the groove but the trick is to find the groove? Lately that is exactly how I am feeling. Like there is a skip in the universal record and somebody needs to push the needle. It is very disconcerting when you are trying to heal from bombardment in your life but your attention is being redirected to this feeling of unease. It even goes to the physical. I am so tired that I am nauseated, my head hurts, and I'm irritable. Not my usual bouncy happy self. There is the knowledge always that I will recover but sometimes I feel doubtful of that as well. A friend has been reading my blogs and says that she thinks I might sound too positive. Too positive? No such thing!! Well, if I was positive without being realistic then yes I would agree but since I also realize that not everything is fixable and that I can't always do the repairing, I think my perspective is quite accurate. For me!

So often I have noticed that when others are in the dumps, the universe seems to deliver what it perceives as their need at the time. More dumps. If you smile through the tough times, then it seems that reasons for smiling come along. I would rather be happy thanks. My being positive doesn't mean that I don't have down days. I get plenty of those. It is by having a positive attitude that I can get through them.

My pets have often surprised me too with how supportive they are when things are rocky. They always gather closely to comfort me and let me know I am truly loved. They get upset when I cry and will talk to me in their own very special ways. I have two cats aged 6, litter mates, and 1 dog aged 7 whom we purchased from the pound. Kerli, our dog will jump around and bring the toy for me to play with because after all, if you just play tug with a rag, everything will be great! In her eyes, that will solve everything. Sammy and Smokey will rub up against me and keep me warm, purring loudly to soothe my nerves. I am always so thankful for them. They never ask anything in return other than a little pet now and then, some food and water and a place to keep "clean".

If you pay attention to the small things, you will notice that actually other things happen to make you feel better too. A slight breeze making the leaves rustle and a sky of blue studded with puffy clouds. A quiet moment in what seems to be chaos at all times. The sound of beautiful wind chimes in the distance ringing out their tunes for all to hear. Someone laughing out loud. The Earth is truly a place of enlightenment if one but listens. Next time you are outside, take a little listen to what is going on all around you. I am sure if you stay very very still you will be able to name at least 10 distinct and recognizable sounds. Perhaps you will hear the tiny voice of God calling to you. Be at peace!

What If?

2009-05-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what if? Otherwise known as shoulda, coulda, woulda we often will put off today what we could possibly do tomorrow. It has come to me that putting things off only delays the inevitable and sometimes it isn't pleasant. In fact it usually isn't smart. My quandry is what if we never heard or read any of our history? Would it change our outlook on life and the pertinent occurences from it? My mother gave me so much in wisdom, sayings ( that at the time seemed silly), and courage. She had to face some major adversity and I suppose it prepared me for mine. She would say "You fly with the crows, you get shot at" and smile knowing I was trying to figure out what she was talking about. Or how about "I haven't seen those since Hector was a pup". Who the hell was Hector? I never did find out and really she didn't know either. She was just passing on what she had heard from her Mom. Which is how we learn about our families most of the time. No one writes things down, they just pass them on and we all know what happens when you just talk things. They get bigger, harder, longer, tougher or worst of all, forgotten. I would love to be able to go back to the events and see them first hand. I can see myself as a cub scout reporter.

I feel sad that the life before the accident was remarkable but we didn't keep notes because we didn't know we would want to someday. What is missing is details of the little things that mean so much and endear us to each other. He was not one to surprise me with flowers and I accepted that but every pay Friday was a reason to go out to dinner. We would go for long drives on a Sunday afternoon after church. Not usually with a destination in mind, just wherever we ended up was great. One of my favourite things was to go to Crescent Beach in the summer very early on a Sunday morning. The sun would be bright and beautiful, the water would be very still, and you could see birds out on the sand bars hunting for breakfast. The whole scene was surreal because it was so quiet, you could hear them making their calls to each other but they were several hundred feet away from us. The best part would be that there would be a little breeze blowing to cool you and we would just sit on the bench and hold hands.

You never realize how much a person touches your life until they can't anymore. Actually I take that back. He does touch my life however it is not the same and that is what I miss. Now dinner means I feed him a bite and then me a bite and then him a bite and then me a bite and so on. Meals are rarely very hot because of it. I don't really mind anymore, I'm so glad he is here. I must tell you though, what I miss most of all....don't laugh now! I miss that he can't take out the garbage!!! I always hated doing it and he never minded.